A Monsters University High

Monsters University (Rated G/2013) Rarely is the sequel - or in the case, the prequel - better than the original. But Monsters University beats the pants off of Monsters Inc. No comparison. The original was mostly of a vehicle for Billy Crystal's schtick. (Funny, but shallow after that.) It lacked much dialogue outside of Crystal's Mike Wazowski character. And I prefer my animated movies to pound me over the head with a positive message. Monsters U does all of the things that Monsters Inc. doesn't.

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The TV Hierarchy

Laying on the couch with a severe case of Man Cold for past few days, I've watched a lot of television. Most of it classic, awesome movies like Die Hard With a Vengeance, Field of Dreams, and Midnight Run. There is no better way to sweat out a bad case of Man Cold than by channeling the testosterone and coolness of the likes of Bruce Willis, James Earl Jones, and Robert DeNiro.

Watching all of that television inspired me to unveil this list, the undisputed rankings of what takes precedence on the television in our house. It is the result of years of negotiations. Now despite its length and detail, you'd think we watch a lot of television. Fear not. We watch just enough. You will notice it is very top-heavy in my favor. That is because I am willing to sacrifice what's on the television for a majority of the year, just to have complete authority when it counts. So without further ado, here is what rules the tube in the DKL house:

1. Pro football: For the sermon at our wedding, the pastor asked me and My Director to write about why we love each other. Neither of us was allowed to know what the other wrote until we heard the sermon. One of the things I wrote was, "Because she understands Sundays are for football." The pastor made sure to interject that Sundays are for church too. Well played, padre. Entire weekends are planned around me getting to sit on the couch for six hours and watch nothing but football. Or the Jets, who occasionally resemble football.

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Now She Has a Favorite Movie Quote

My little girl is growing up. Not only that, I have further proof that she is indeed my daughter.  First, it was her obsession with inconsequential details in movies. (It started with Dolphin Tale.) Now, she's quoting movies. Regularly. She's worked it into her witty arsenal. One movie, in particular. And one quote specifically.

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Why Rent When You Can Borrow?

I'm not sure why it took us so long to catch on to this. Uh, hello? Why rent movies from the cable company or wade through the endless sea of dreck that Netflix calls its children's collection? Why consume precious DVR space with movies you must "save until I delete," when they're wonderfully cost neutral and gigabyte free at the library? My Director and I have taken some serious steps to trim the budge recently. And here's one way that I am sure you are aware of, yet might not take advantage of.

We do one a week, because that's the maximum amount of time the library lets you borrow. That's actually great because just when you're getting tired of the repetition of the same movie over and over, the clock strikes twelve and it turns into a pumpkin. (See what I did there?) We're also lucky because the selection at our town library is pretty great. Here are some of the highlights:

Alice in Wonderland: It was nice to show Peanut a Disney movie about a little girl who wasn't a princess. But I have to tell you, I still have no freaking idea what the hell this movie is about. (Or the book, for that mater.) And I've seen it at least a dozen times. It's just nonsense. I have a pretty vivid imagination, but I just don't get it. Although, I am not a five year-old. So I guess the nonsense makes sense to Peanut because she loved it. But it gave me a headache. However, I do now sing, "A Very Merry Un-birthday" regularly. That always gets the laughs. So there's a silver lining.

Mary Poppins: We all loved this movie. The songs alone make it great. And all of the things that Mary brings: imagination, wonder, laughter. What I didn't realize after not having seen it in quite some time was that when you look past the spoonfuls of sugar and Chim-chim-Churoos, this movie is essentially about a dad and his kids. And at the end, the dad realizes it's more important to spend time with them than it is to spend time at work. Something I realized a long time ago, thankfully.

Pinocchio: Hands down, this is my all-time favorite Disney movie. (Read: I'm Italian.) I must admit, this movie introduces some themes that you probably wouldn't find in a children's movie nowadays. Like smoking and underage drinking. And Jiminy Cricket, while serving as Pinocchio's conscience, is a bit of a ladies' man. Or at least he tries to be. Despite all of the above, Pinocchio remains my favorite because of the simple premise of going after a dream and failing, but not giving up the pursuit. I also love the music in this one. Also, no mention of this movie is complete without my also pointing out that My Director often acts as my conscience, to great success:

I usually let my conscience be my guide.

We also borrowed Return of Jafar, the sequel to Aladdin. If you haven't heard of it before, there's a reason. You can do better. But Peanut picked the movie that week. So we suffered. It has nothing Aladdin has, and less. Another week she picked The AristoCats, which was a pleasant surprise. It's a buddy movie where a stray alley cat helps a rich cat family get home. But you need to explain the issues of wealth, wills, and a greedy butler who tries to off the cats to get the money.

But you don't have to go to such sinister lengths for a few bucks. Check out your local library and borrow a "new" movie. Your kids won't care if it's free. Or 50 years old, for that matter.

We did splurge and took Peanut to see "Brave" this summer. Twice. It was worth it, as I wrote here.

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Lion King 2: Scarred For Life

"The Lion King 2: Simba's Pride" (1998/Rated G): In a perfect world, I would watch every movie before we show it to Peanut. Then again, there are only 24 hours in a day. Thirteen of them are dedicated to working and commuting. Peanut gets three. My Director and I get maybe two. So that leaves five hours to sleep. Six at best. In other words, I'm not wasting two hours watching Lion King 2: Simba's Pride, making sure there isn't any gratuitous violence or sexual innuendo. Especially since My Director and I are currently burning through Breaking Bad on Netflix like a couple of meth addicts ourselves. (Closing in on the end of season four.)

So when Peanut watched this movie one Saturday morning, it served as a backdrop as I made breakfast and fussed around the kitchen cleaning up remnants of the week that was. My Director had recorded it on DVR and told Peanut she had done it. So she asked to watch it. (Reason number two that I have given up the "watch it first" fight. Nice idea. Just not plausible.)

In fact, we did it backwards this time. After Peanut watched it, mostly without me, I wanted it see it myself. Yes I was the one requesting it later that weekend. Why? Because what I heard couldn't be right.

"Where did all of these bad lions come from?" I asked when I finally had a chance to focus on the movie.

"They're Scar's family."

"When did Scar have a family?"

"Remember in the last movie, daddy?"

When did this happen?

No. Scar was laying in his lair with an imprisoned Zazu after killing Mustafa and banishing Simba. When Simba returned, the lionesses (and hyenas) turned on Scar. Right? There was no hint of a wife or kids. Right? Apparently, he was very busy behind the scenes and those details were left on the cutting room floor when the first Lion King was edited.

So in this sequel, they spin a tale of a banished pride, starving and plotting to overtake Simba. One of Scar's descendants, Kovu (hockey player name), is their chosen heir. Kovu, it is vaguely mentioned, is not actually Scar's son. Supposedly. That's a relief, since he ends up falling in love with Simba's daughter, Kiara. If he were Scar's son, that would make them cousins. Second cousins to be exact. Kissing cousins. And that sh!t ain't cool no matter where you live, the Mississippi Delta or the Serengeti.

Besides the possible kissing cousins aspect, how about adding deadbeat dad to Scar's murderous resume? The whole kingdom was starving because he had made a deal with the hyenas and all he was doing was laying in his cave torturing poor Zazu?

Poor, tortured Zazu

Obviously, these things are all lost on a five year-old. Lion King 2 is basically a mirror image of the first one, with similar themes, fight scenes, and music. Is it ok for a my daughter to watch? Sure. Does it evoke more questions than answers for adults? Yes, just as much as kissing cousins do.

I had some fun with the issues I had with Lilo & Stitch too. You can read about it here.

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What We're Watching: Lilo and Stitch

"Lilo and Stitch" 2002/Rated PG. We actually just deleted this one from our DVR to make room for Tarzan. (Review of that one coming soon.) Whenever we record a new movie, we ask Peanut to chose one to delete. After all, mommy and daddy need DVR space for HGTV shows and the final season of Weeds. (Who am I kidding? We have more Doc McStuffins on there than anything else.) When she chose this movie to get rid of, I was ecstatic. I didn't really care for Lilo and Stitch. Why? Let's face it. Stitch is a d!ck. He's someone else's misbehaved child that you  so badly want to discipline but can't.

Even Disney itself played up Stitch as an unlikeable bad-boy renegade in its genius promotional campaign for the movie. (Click here to see it if the video below doesn't work.)


Sure, Stitch appears to be as cuddly as a koala. And as I've mentioned before, I love koalas. Then again koalas aren't really all that cuddly. They're kind of a d!ck too:

 :

Maybe I'm being too hard on Stitch, and this movie. It does have great music, most of it from Elvis. So that's a huge plus. And its overriding message is the importance of family, as Stitch tries to become part of Lilo's. While I'm not generally against showing Peanut movies with misbehaved characters, there are a lot of negatives in this one if you ask me. First, Disney tried too hard to make this movie appeal to boys and girls. It has alien fight scenes followed by dancing hula girls. And it just doesn't work. There's also a lot of violence, a couple of dead parents that never are really adequately explained, a main character who is also a misfit (Lilo) for reasons too complicated to explain to a five-year old, and a child services worker voiced by Ving Rhames who spends the whole movie trying to take Lilo away from her sister. (Her sister, also, can't seem to be able to hold down a job because Stitch keeps destroying things at her places of work.)

"No, Lilo. Your living situation is pretty f*cking far from ok."

No amount of Elvis songs could make me like this mess of a movie. When Disney marketed Stitch as a d!ck, that should have been a signal to the rest of us to stay away. And to top things off, I am incapable of correctly pronouncing "Lilo." Peanut has to correct me every time:

"Daddy, it's LEE-lo. Not LIE-lo."

Thankfully I won't be making that mistake as much anymore. This clunker no longer occupies precious hard-drive space on the DVR.

I was much more enthusiastic in my review of "Brave." Click here to read it.  

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The DKL #Disney Adventure

We had finally done it. We had finally bitten the bullet and given in. Not only did we take Peanut to Disney World, but we took her to celebrate her fifth birthday, no less. So much for not spoiling the kid. So much for being fiscally responsible. Circumstances made us realize life is short, that she's only this age once, and we should strike while she her princess-loving iron is still hot.

So, for five days, four nights, we basically tortured our child for her birthday:

She wouldn't wake up on morning #2

She slept any chance she got

Our first full day brought us to the Magic Kingdom. It was Peanut's actual birthday. So we booked a fun breakfast where we got to meet Winnie the Pooh and friends:

The least he could do is put on some pants

We made sure to hide the bacon
when Piglet came around

Full bellies didn't stop us from braving the rides. Shortly after breakfast, we learned that Peanut's favorite was - drum roll, please - Pirates of the Caribbean. Surprise, surprise:

We got caught in cannonball crossfire

Lammie got put in jail

As we left those scalawags behind and headed back out into the now-afternoon sun, My Director, eternal head of our itinerary, declared, "We're going to go spend some time in Fantasy Land now."

To which I responded, "Will you be changing into a plaid skirt and knee highs?" (Rawr.)

More than four months after our whirlwind Disney Adventure, we're still talking about it in the DKL household. Peanut still asks when we're going back. Good question, Peanut. How about getting a job and pitching in some coin? (We just keep saying "soon.") We'll see how long that works.

((DISCLAIMER: This is the third in my summer series of "retrospective" list posts. If you haven't guessed already, this week's topic is our trip to Disney World.))

The first thing you need to know about the trip is that I only agreed to go if we went with my in-laws. You read that right. And I insisted that we stay in the same room with them. You read that right too. I had good reasons, but still, "What the Hell Was I Thinking?"

That decision, you might imagine, left my mom excluded from the trip. Granted, I probably made some missteps in the execution of this very delicate part of our plan. Still, the ensuing conversations with her led me to dub my mom "Queen of the Guilt Trip."

Once in Disney our mission was clear: find and meet as many princesses as possible. But nothing could have prepared us for what we saw when we came face-to-face with Cinderella and her family. Prepare to laugh at "Castle Confidential."

I went to great lengths - literally - to make sure Peanut met her favorite princess. You can see more in "The Princesses and the Peanut Gallery."

The trip was not without its internal family drama. In fact, Peanut and I both had a meltdown at the same ride, at the same time. I call it "The Splash Mountain Double Meltdown."

When we got back home, Peanut and I were discussing which dinner show we liked the best. She seemed to have a selective memory about her enjoyment of one them, creating a "A Difference of Opinion."

Finally, I thought it was appropriate to put all of my advice into a rare "tips" post. But it still has the same humor and sentiment you've come to expect from DKL. Maybe I should do it more often, since this is one of my most popular posts ever. Here are my "20 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Went to Disney."

To catch up on my other summer Monday retrospective lists: this one is about Christmas and this one is about My Director.

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What We're Watching: Brave

"Our fate lives within us. You only need to be brave enough to see it." -from Brave

"Brave" (2012/rated PG): Before we went to see this movie, I had no idea where its title came from. I just assumed that the fire-haired arrow-shooting princess Merida (pronounced "MERRY-dah"), would be a warrior who shatters the often-maligned Disney princess mold. The plot soon revealed Merida to be a teenage princess who was still an adept archer but not a soldier of any sort. Instead, Merida was engaged in the age-old battle-of-wills that so many princesses throughout history have had with their moms. Still, in the back of my mind I wondered what the point of that title was.

Then, after an emotional reunion with her mom where they both realize they were misunderstanding each other throughout the whole movie, Merida narrates the lines I quoted above just before the credits roll.

Brave. Here I thought it was going to mean she was a fighter, like Mulan. But no. It means she fought, not with a weapon, but for what she believes in.Her values, her desired fate, her future. She didn't want to be betrothed to someone. Her mom insisted that's what princesses do. After an encounter with a witch and a scary bear, turns out princesses don't have to do it that way.

I wanted to bring Peanut to this movie because of her current fascination with princesses, since Merida is brave and strong. My suspicions were right. Merida is a wonderful role model who, while she has issues with her mom, takes a stand for her family. Her love for them is evident throughout, even when they are in conflict. Oh, added bonus: Merida is a princess who has two parents throughout the entire film too.

Disney and Pixar outdid themselves with the animation and the message. And even though Peanut was afraid of the mean bear, I would recommend this movie to children her age. A little warning: there is a bit of nudity. Yes, nudity. Some quick, humorous mooning. And there is a bit of violence. (Thus, the PG rating.) Overall, the film has some funny and heartwarming moments. And the end gave me goose bumps, made My Director cry, and left Peanut smiling and clapping. It's also a great mother-daughter movie.

Brave gets three very enthusiastic thumbs up from the DKL family.

For more on Peanut's princess fascination, click here to see which ones we tracked down on our Disney adventure. 

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Behind Every Man...

...There is an amazing woman telling him to snap the hell out of it. And she's snapping pictures to prove her point. My Director has a new tactic to get me out of one of my patented bad moods. She'll take a picture of me, mid-mood, to show me how miserable (and ridiculous) I look. Here's one she snapped of me on the beach this week:

Pursed lips, clenched jaw: tell-tale signs

Fake smile: An improvement, but not quite out of it

Results of this new method are mixed so far, but she does seem to enjoy herself while she's doing it. And no one has been injured during the shooting of this project. Yet.

She started it in Disney World, after my monumental Splash Mountain Meltdown:

So annoyed. I just can't help it.

Funny or not, she helps me be the best person I can possibly be.


(DISCLAIMER: The rest of this post is basically a list of posts from the past year about My Director. If I tricked you into reading this far, please take a moment and check out one or two of the posts that you may have missed. Or re-read one. I'll be posting lists like these throughout the summer.)

Speaking of Disney, when we came back, My Director made cupcakes for Peanut's class at school. But Peanut had an underwhelming response to them to say the least. I wanted her to know that I appreciate how hard she works for us, so I wrote "That Thing You Do." for her.

She is the emotional center of our family. And most times, the best straight man in the business. Sometimes, however, she doesn't find my antics nearly as amusing as I do, especially when she's the "target." Prepare to laugh as you read the infamous "Shooter Dog" post.

In honor of her birthday last week, I told the story of the first time I opened up and shared some real feelings with her, and the underwhelming response she gave me: Click to read "You're My Best Friend".

She has since opened up. And even wrote this amazing guest post called "Does Daddy Know Less?" for me in honor of my birthday last year.

You know, My Director and I are a lot alike, as I learned when faced with the challenge of living a day as the opposite sex. Enjoy "Freaky Friday."





And in case you missed the post that explains why I call her "My Director," click here.

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What We're Watching: Doc McStuffins

"Doc McStuffins" (Disney Junior) There comes a time in parenthood when you realize you have more in common with your child than you may have originally thought. For instance, you like the same television shows. This happened with me and my dad when we starting watching Knots Landing together religiously. Who knew, right? (Don't judge.) And now it's happened with me and Peanut with Doc McStuffins.

I am  obsessed with this show. I have become the child. As a result, I am an enabler, pushing Doc McStuffins on Peanut like a doting grandmother who keeps giving a fat kid cake. (I've always wanted to use that analogy.)

If you don't know the premise, here goes: Doc is a 6 year-old girl who wants to be doctor when she grows up (bonus), like her mom (double bonus). She treats her sick or broken stuffed animals and toys. They come to life, she gives them a check-up, diagnoses and cures them. All in 11 minutes. She's also adorable. Oh, and the songs are catchy too. (And addictive.)

Peanut only gets a half hour to an hour of television a day, and Doc McStuffins has quickly shot to the top of the charts. It debuted in March on Disney Junior, and in very little time has became part of our routine. We sing the songs when it's not on. We talk about our favorite characters at the dinner table. While I admit I've subtly (ok not so subtly) pushed it on Peanut, she loves it too. (Perhaps even more than me.) Besides providing an excellent role model, a positive message, and catchy tunes, the show is funny. Her toys are great supporting characters. My favorite is Hallie, a hippo with a southern accent who plays Doc's nurse and drops lines like, "That bed is lumpier than a lima-bean lollipop." (I don't even know what that means but I love it.)

Hallie: hippo, nurse, comic genius

Something similar happened with me and Elmo's World on Sesame Street. I was hooked. What crazy pun is that furry little rascal gonna throw at me next? Now I'm the same way with Doc McStuffins. She's cuter than Elmo. She's smarter than Elmo. She's independent and a problem solver. Perhaps most important, she's not Hello Kitty or Strawberry Shortcake.

Thanks, Doc, for helping to soften the blow from when Peanut stopped watching Sesame Street. It wasn't long ago. I wrote about that here.

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What We're Watching: Mulan

"Mulan" (1998/Rated G): In our ongoing effort to expose Peanut to as many princesses as possible before she outgrows this phase (wink wink), we recorded Mulan on the DVR and had a family movie night on Friday. Actually, it was Peanut who spotted it while I was setting her up with another episode of Doc McStuffins. (A review for which is long overdue. Stay tuned.)  She saw the promo, asked to have it recorded, and I obliged knowing nothing of this film except that Mulan is "the Asian princess" who ends up being a strong warrior who saves her country.

And that is actually Mulan in a nutshell. But of course, you can't have a Disney "princess" story without the princess having some sort of shortcoming and the society in which she lives having some sort of huge problem with her or with women in general. (I put princess in quotes because Mulan isn't the traditional Disney princess with the tiara and the prince and the damsel in distress.) Well, in this film Mulan's shortcoming is that she's a girl. Seriously. She lives in China. And let's just say girls are frowned upon in that establishment. And society's huge problem with women is, well, women.

But Mulan sneaks away from her family to fight her country's war on her injured father's behalf. She is a misfit who becomes a cunning warrior with minimal training that is portrayed through an odd musical sequence performed by Donny Osmond. To make a long story short, and without giving up a lot of the rest of the plot, she ends up being the hero. And despite its chauvanistic shortcomings, Mulan is actually the hero. She saves the day and this otherwise ho-hum movie.

Obviously a necessary conversation was had with Peanut both during and after this movie. A conversation about girls being able to do things just as well if not better than boys. About them being just as strong, smart, and capable, if not more. (Ya know, sexism is bad.) All in all, Mulan is entertaining and short, both of which are crucial. But something tells me this one won't be in the rotation too long. And that's fine with me too.

Mulan was one of the few princesses we didn't meet on our trip to Disney. Click here to read about which ones we did.

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20 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Went to #Disney

It took our first family trip to Disney World for me to write a "tips" post. Enough people have asked me for advice since we've returned to convince me to put a bunch of the information in one place. As you may know, having gone to Disney once now makes me an expert on the subject. So don't fear, Disney rookie, you will soon be an expert just like me.

I took this picture. Not bad, eh?

We went for five days, four nights. We stayed at the Polynesian Resort and we saved a lot of money by staying in the same room with my in-laws. Yes, the same room. It actually wasn't nearly as bad as it sounds or as I feared. Except we did catch my mother-in-law snoring like Donald Duck one night. Other than that, the room was peachy.

So without further ado, here's what else I wish I knew before I went to Disney: (I linked all of the attractions I mention to the Disney site.)

1. Don't buy one of those how-to guide books. Have one of your wife's friends lend you one. Either way, use this one. My Director found it most helpful. What she didn't find most helpful was my not reading a single word of it despite her repeated requests. As great as it was for planning our activities and itineraries (it was the Bible, according to her), it addressed none of the rest of the things on my list.

2. At some point on your trip, you will feel like you are torturing your child(ren). He/she/they will be exhausted. You will keep pushing them. It's what we do to create those magical memories. Expect a meltdown or two. Or 37. YOU will also have a meltdown. Or two. Totally normal. Just make it quick, pull yourself together, and move on. 

3. Since utter exhaustion is a definite, and the amazing fireworks in the Magic Kingdom are a must, I would plan on seeing them early in the trip. First night. We went our last night. Peanut was as mad as she was mesmerized. I don't know how much sleep your kids want or need, but Peanut is a champion sleeper. Eleven hours at night. And she STILL takes a 2-3 hour nap some days. This trip, she got 8-9 hours per night max, with cat naps in the stroller here and there. She was excited to be there that first night. We should have struck while the iron was hot. Whenever you do go, the fireworks are a must. And they're free. (Or there's no extra charge wink wink.) Find a way to see them.

We were not alone in our
stroller dependency

4. The stroller. There are two very divided and very passionate camps: People who swear by it, and people who refuse to even consider it as an option. We swear by it (see #3). And because Peanut is sleepy and moody (see her dad), it was a lifesaver. As soon as she was tired or cranky, we'd stick her in there as we went from place to place. She'd snap out of it after about a half an hour. 

Snow White first thing
in the morning

5. On days you're going to be at the Magic Kingdom, get there when it opens. (Or before it opens if you're staying at a Disney resort.) Lines aren't that bad and the kids should be raring to go. It was great. You can hit up a character or two with very little wait because a bunch of them spread out on Main Street USA when you get there. We met Snow White like this one day and Pinocchio another.

Peanut & Pluto
at Epcot Character Spot

6. Speaking of characters, you don't have to spend a lot of time stalking them if you know where they are and when. For example, there is a Character Spot in Epcot where we met Mickey, Minnie, Donald, Goofy, and Pluto. All at once. We waited half an hour and got those five biggies banged out. (The time of day we went also helped - See #15 below.) You can really streamline your character stalking by hitting them up at set times and places. There is a daily schedule of which characters you can meet and where at the entrance to the parks. (This also helped us catch Tinker Bell, another Peanut favorite.)

Who's psyched for Tigger?

7. You can also bang out a lot of characters at meals. If you have character meals planned, you'll get a majority of your autographs and pictures then. If your kids like Winnie the Pooh, we did the breakfast at Crystal Palace in Magic Kingdom one morning. We met Pooh, Tigger, Eeyore, and Piglet. This was great. Food was good too.

The princess motherload

8. If you're stalking princesses like we were, you can hit the princess motherload like we did in Norway at Epcot. We had a meal at the Akurshus Royal Banquet Hall with Belle, Ariel, Aurora, Snow White, and Cinderella. (You can see pictures here.) This was very nicely done too. They do a similar one in the castle in Magic Kingdom. That one fills up quickly. So this one was our only choice, and it was not a disappointment. It also wasn't crowded. BONUS: There is a great little Viking boat ride called Maelstrom right outside of the restaurant. We lucked out. It was raining and there was no line. We rode it twice in a row. It was a Peanut favorite. (DOUBLE BONUS: That reminds me: Epcot is great if it's raining or really hot because you can spend big chunks of time indoors.)

9. For more princesses, we went to Cinderella's Happily Ever After Dinner at 1900 Park Fare at the Grand Floridian Hotel. Prince Charming and the wicked stepmother and stepsisters were also there. We weren't impressed with the food, and Peanut and My Director like to say Prince Charming was "not so charming." But what made this one worth it was the stepsisters. They were so funny and entertaining. Book these things way in advance.

10. Speaking of food, I would only plan a sit-down breakfast if characters are involved. And when I say "characters," I'm not talking about your in-laws. Eating a long breakfast isn't worth it to me. Grab a yogurt,  granola bar, and/or a piece of fruit, get to the park and get things done. Our meal plan allowed one sit-down, one "quick dining" meal (like fast food-type places), and one snack per day. This is plenty. Some days it's too much. I'm a hungry dude in general and I was fine on the days we followed this routine.

11. If you do a big breakfast, with characters for example, then don't do a sit-down dinner that night. It's just too much eating and sitting. It all depends on how long you're staying and whether you're on a meal plan and which one. But I'd rather eat on the go and have one sit-down meal each day. I don't like sitting around when there's stuff to do. Stopping to eat annoyed me. Peanut was fine with a quick breakfast and then mostly snacks. But I think the meal plan is worth the money for convenience, and for not having to pay when you're there.

12. Because I have very little patience, I was annoyed when we'd arrive 10 minutes early for our dinner reservations (because My Director and I are highly organized. See #1) and then end up getting seated 10-15 minutes later than our reservation. So DON'T be efficient like we were. Arrive on time and expect to wait a little. You'll be less annoyed.

13. Leave some nights open to walk around the park. We had a big dinner planned every night, whether it was at a restaurant or a show. While all of our dinners were enjoyable and/or entertaining, in hindsight I wouldn't do that. Grabbing a burger or whatever for a quick bite on one or two nights would have been fine with me. I didn't like being prisoner to a meal schedule every night. So next time, I won't book a dinner every night we're there.

14. Use fast pass when you can. You don't want to be waiting in line with young children for more than a half an hour. Fast pass eliminated that and makes excellent use of your time. And it's easy. Especially when Magic Kingdom gets busy. And get the fast pass for Soarin' in Epcot. It's amazing. Revolve your day around doing it. It's worth it. (40" minimum height)

15. We lucked out and went to Epcot in the early evening one day and it was dead. No lines. (See #6.) We hit Spaceship Earth, the Character Spot I mentioned above, a Nemo ride that Peanut loved, we talked to Crush the Turtle, and rode another ride in The Land. All in the three hours we had to kill before dinner. So consider that time of day for Epcot.

16. Animal Kingdom (if you're going) can also be done in a half a day. The Safari is great. The Everest coaster there is cool. (But Space Mountain is still better.) There's more to see than do. It's a good change-of-pace park. Especially if you have an animal lover like we do. BONUS: If you have a Nemo lover like we do, the Nemo musical in Animal Kingdom is a must. It's indoors so you can cool off and rest if your little one is getting grumpy.

17. Prepare for the pool at the hotel to be your kids' favorite thing. Every day around noon, Peanut would ask us if we could go back and swim in the pool. And by 3 or 4, we were swimming for an hour. Those swims were some of the most memorable parts of the trip for me. (And once again, they cost "nothing" wink wink.)

18. If you want to see and hear your child belly laugh, I mean really cackle, taken him/her to Monsters Inc. Laugh Floor in TomorrowLand.

19. If you're not following Daddy's in Charge, go do it. Then ask him any other questions you might have. He goes to Disney more than Super Bowl MVPs do. In fact, part of the expansion of FantasyLand includes a condo for him and his family. He is a great resource for anything and everything Disney. Post questions on his Facebook wall. Or tweet him. He will happily answer you. So will I.

20. Last but not least, you will NOT get to do everything on your list. Understand that before you get on that plane to Orlando. I thought I did. I obviously didn't. Trust me. And just know that if you don't get to something, it'll just give you a reason to go back.

Bonus: Prepare to spend more money than you would ever dream of spending on silly trinkets, unhealthy treats, and ridiculous souvenirs. For instance, I was in my right mind when I didn't hesitate to fork over $10 for a Mickey Mouse balloon as if it were my destiny. All to make Peanut smile after she had tripped and skinned her elbow.

Me, Peanut, and the $10 balloon
that just wouldn't die

That balloon lasted the entire trip. And to ensure we didn't waste it, we gave it to a family who was just arriving at our hotel as we were leaving for the airport.

One last thing: You're going to Disney World. You've invested thousands of dollars in this trip. Why say no? The word "no" is one thing we don't bring on vacation. It's very unlike us, but it's wonderful. That rule started on Peanut's first big trip, which I wrote about here.

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The Princesses and THE PEANUT GALLERY

About a week before her 5th birthday, Peanut told me she wanted to be a veterinarian when she grows up.  That was the first time she had ever answered that question with an actual profession. I was psyched. I was impressed. I thought it was so cool, in fact, that I mentioned it in the post I wrote for her 5th birthday.

Recently, I asked her the same question again. This time, she changed her answer... to princess. Now she wants to be a freakin' princess when she grows up?! "What happened to being a veterinarian?" I asked."

"Daddy, I just want to be a princess ok?"

Immediately, alarm bells went off in my head. But I bit my tongue. The Disney trip euphoria still runs through her veins. And My Director assured me not to worry... that it's ok to dream at her age. As usual, she's right. (Every time I write that she's right an angel gets its wings.)

I understand the arguments about the stereotypes, the negative messages, etc. And why some parents want to avoid exposing their daughters to the princesses at all cost. Not only do I hear you, I was with you. This whole princess thing just happened innately. We didn't buy her any doll, dress her in any costume, or show her any movie. But despite our best efforts, she gravitated towards them. It's in her DNA I guess. Fine.

So we are firmly entrenched in the "let her enjoy the fantasy until the cold hard truth of reality smacks her in the face" camp. That cold hard truth will come from us one day. We'll have to tell her that life isn't a fairy tale. That your prince may never come. And if he does, "happily ever after" is all relative.

But that can wait. So for now, Peanut is a princess. And that's not so bad. After all, every time she plays dress-up she makes me her king. Not too shabby for a guy who grew up in a middle-class blue-collar family. And there's no arguing with the look on Peanut's face when she met the princesses in Disney World:

Aurora

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The Splash Mountain Double Meltdown

"How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child!" -William Shakespeare


These things happen. Tantrums. Moods. Or as I'm about to describe, meltdowns. They're part of parenting. Sometimes you can anticipate them, even prepare for them like an approaching thunderstorm. Then there are times when no amount of preparation can prevent the debacle that follows.

So close. Yet so far away.

What makes this double meltdown story ironic is it took place in the so-called "happiest place on earth." That's right: Walt Disney World. More specifically, The Magic Kingdom. Splash Mountain to be exact.

It was day four of our whirlwind Disney adventure. After three days of non-stop, drag-your-child-to-every-possible-attraction family fun, I somehow woke up rejuvenated that morning. This would be our last day in the Magic Kingdom. And even though My Director is the one who planned most of the itinerary before and during the trip, I had decided to flex a little muscle. What can I say? I was feeling ambitious.

I seized the map of the park like a greedy pirate of the Caribbean and checked to see which "grown-up" rides Peanut was tall enough to go on. And there it was. My buried treasure: Splash Mountain, in all of its 40" minimum height requirement glory. Peanut just met the requirement. My mission was clear: ride this ride with Peanut at any and all costs because a) she's going to love it and b) I remember riding it with my parents and loving it.

Best to keep a grumpy Peanut in a bubble.

But a funny thing happened on the way to Frontier Land... we decided to spend the morning in Tomorrow Land because a certain large child (me) wanted to ride Space Mountain before the line got too long. And that plan backfired because when it was my time to conquer Splash Mountain with Peanut, she had already begun a downward spiral like she did every day in the early afternoon. You see, a Walt Disney World vacation is equal parts torture and amusement for a child. You keep her up until way past her bedtime and then you wake her up after she's had a lot less sleep than she's used to. You finally get her dressed and fed but she's still wearing her cranky pants while you push her in the stroller. She loves the monorail so that starts to snap her out of it. Then you get her to the park and she's as ready as she'll ever be. For the rides and the heat and the shows and the walking and the characters. Buzz Lightyear's Space Ranger Spin. A picture with Chip and Dale. The Monster's Inc. Laugh Floor. (highly recommended.)

It's all my fault. I kept telling My Director that I wanted a memory with Peanut, just me and her. That's where I was treading in dangerous waters. Expectations can come back to bite you where the briar patch hurts the most. Besides, I was rolling the dice sending us to Tomorrow Land first. And they came up snake eyes.

We finally arrived at the foot of Splash Mountain.  The wait was just a half an hour. I had timed it perfectly. There would be no other time to do this given what we had planned the rest of the trip. Peanut, having come down from the euphoria of Tomorrow Land and having just met Tinker Bell, had entered moodyville. To make matters worse, My Director wasn't feeling well either. And Peanut is an "I want mommy to go on too" kind of girl. Still, I persisted. My Director insisted. Peanut resisted. Had Peanut just waited in line with me, she would have worked herself out of her mood by the time we boarded our log.

Instead, she cried because My Director couldn't go with us. Then she refused to listen when I tried to explain how much fun we'd have and how she'd love it just like she loved the Log Flume at Great Adventure last summer. Nope. All I got was a stone-cold, furrowed-browed, thumb-in-the-mouth refusal.

Since I took so many pictures of grumpy Peanut,
My Director took a picture of me every time I was grumpy.
This is me hours after "Splash Mountain," still not over it.

Disappointed, it was now time for my meltdown. And I was in rare form. This is what I was looking forward to all day. For two days in fact. And she ruined my good time, my moment, my memory. And I basically said as much loud enough for her to hear me in her stroller. When My Director tried to be the voice of reason, I shouted her down. I actually said, "No. I want her to feel guilty. I want her to know that I can't go on a ride because of her selfishness." Incidentally, I am still accepting letters of recommendation for my father of the year application, if you're so inclined.

Not my proudest moment as a parent, to say the least.

The day after we returned home, I drove Peanut to school. Her friends were so happy to see her after she had been away for five days. Some of them came rushing up to us. Knowing we were in Disney World, they immediately bombarded us with questions. The first - and last - one I fielded was from a classmate who had recently been to Disney with his family. He looked me right in the eyes with a big smile and said, "Did you go on Splash Mountain?!"

Still a little bitter from the double meltdown that occurred less than 48 hours earlier, my heart immediately sank, my smile suddenly faded, my mood totally changed, "No," I said coldly. "We didn't get to that one."

I'm over it now. Mostly. And if Peanut remembers this incident, she doesn't talk about it. She remembers the good times. That's perfect. At least we have a reason to go back.

I have more proof of Peanut only remembering the positive from our trip. You can read about it here.

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A Difference of Opinion

This is a recent conversation between me and Peanut while on one of our walks with Luna. We were discussing our favorite dinner show from our Disney trip:

"Daddy I like the Luau."

"Really? I thought you liked the Hoop-Dee-Doo Revue?"

"I like both."

"But if you had to choose one, which would you choose?"

"Both."

"I know you like both. But if you could only choose one, which one would it be?"

"Both, daddy."

"What if was our last night in Disney? And we could only go to one place for dinner?"

"I would go to both."

"But we can't go to two places for dinner if we only have one night left. So which one would you choose?"

"The Luau."

"Really? But you loved the Hoop-Dee-Doo. You were laughing the whole time."

"Daddy, I like the Luau."

"Well, I like the Hoop-Dee-Doo better. If I had to choose I'd choose that one."

"You don't like the Luau?"

"I like the Luau. I just I like the Hoop-Dee-Doo more. It's called an opinion. You like the Luau. That's your opinion. I like the Hoop-Dee-Doo. That's my opinion. We have different opinions. And that's ok."

Thus ending our first of what I am sure will be many discussions like this. For the record, here's what Peanut looked like when called up on stage to hula with all the kids at the Luau:

Not the least bit amused.

And here she is at the Hoop-Dee-Doo Revue:

Mildly amused (but she DID laugh a lot.)

This is not the first difference of opinion we've had, and certainly not the last. But I think she's decided she likes the Luau because I like the Hoop-Dee-Doo. She knows that sometimes I get irritated when she likes something I don't, like when she decided to cheer for a different football team than me. I also realize that because of this dynamic I may be in serious trouble in the future.

There is no debating we ALL had a good time eating at Cinderella's Royal Table, despite discovering the princess's shocking secret.

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Castle Confidential

"A dream is a wish your heart makes... Whatever you wish for, you keep." -Cinderella

Truer words have never be spoken. So fitting that they're from Cinderella herself. Especially that last line above. More on that in a minute...

But first, if you've ever wondered what happened after the credits stopped rolling at the end of the Cinderella; if you've ever wondered about the scene after the last piece of confetti had been thrown and the last piece of wedding cake had been eaten; if you've ever wondered if they truly lived their happily ever after, wonder no more. This is the true Hollywood story the writers of the fairy tales don't want you to know. A story of secrets, lies, intrigue, and sexually transmitted disease. Yes, there is an STD at the end of this story.

Our not-so-fairy tale begins with the happy couple. Or are they? We are led to believe so. Spend a minute with Prince Charming, however, and you'll soon realize he's distant, aloof, and not all that charming. In fact, he's kind of a snobby dufus. Aimlessly wandering over to our table at an event dubbed "Cinderella's Royal table" and assuming we wanted his autograph. "Do you have something you'd like me to sign?" Yeah, buddy. Sign the dinner check you rich pompous jerk. If you're charming, then I've got a full head of hair. And that's another thing: Greg Brady called... he wants his coif back.

Peanut couldn't get far enough away from Prince Boring

You don't really get the true tale of Cinderella and Prince Charming until you've spoken to their relatives. Namely, her stepmother and stepsisters. And we got the inside scoop on the unhappy couple. First, if you really want charming, try talking to Drizella and Anastasia Tremaine. These girls are engaging, funny... truly a laugh a minute. Throw anything at them, and they've got a witty comeback. When I asked Anastasia why she's so much funnier in person than she's portrayed in the film, she said, "Oh that's just Cinderella twisting things." Lady Tremaine might not smile much, but she and her daughters certainly made us smile way more than our awkward encounter with His Douche-ness Prince Charming.

Lady Tremaine is actually the charming one 

Anastasia is funny (and Peanut is groping My Director)

Drizella truly stole the show. (Look at those smiles!)

As for the bell of the ball, maybe Cinderella isn't such a princess after all. Maybe - just maybe - she DOES have something to hide. For when the much-anticipated moment arrived, and Cinderella greeted us at our table, My Director was staring directly at something on her upper lip that could only be described as a cold sore. You read that right. Cinderella has an STD. Specifically, "The Herp." (I chose not to post a picture to protect Cinderella's true identity. And "doctoring" it didn't do it justice. Ya just have to trust us on this one.)

I was too stunned to pose the tough questions a true journalist would ask. But inquiring minds want to know: How did that get there? And from whom? Is she fooling around with the Grand Duke? Or worse, Gus Gus? Was it from Prince Charming? Are his balls more than royal? Did he get it from someone else? One of those apparently funnier-than-they're-portrayed-in-the-movie stepsisters, perhaps? They seem like they're primed to party anytime. And even if the movie is an exaggeration, the stepsisters stopped at nothing to make that slipper fit if you know what I mean. Or is he hitching his carriage somewhere outside of the castle?

We just don't know. We may never know. For now, all we do know is we'll never look at Cinderella the same way again. "Whatever you wish for you keep." Indeed.

I think real-life Cinderella's herp is even more disturbing than the perverted Belle sippy cup I have to deal with from time to time. 

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