Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Castle Confidential

"A dream is a wish your heart makes... Whatever you wish for, you keep." -Cinderella

Truer words have never be spoken. So fitting that they're from Cinderella herself. Especially that last line above. More on that in a minute...

But first, if you've ever wondered what happened after the credits stopped rolling at the end of the Cinderella; if you've ever wondered about the scene after the last piece of confetti had been thrown and the last piece of wedding cake had been eaten; if you've ever wondered if they truly lived their happily ever after, wonder no more. This is the true Hollywood story the writers of the fairy tales don't want you to know. A story of secrets, lies, intrigue, and sexually transmitted disease. Yes, there is an STD at the end of this story.

Our not-so-fairy tale begins with the happy couple. Or are they? We are led to believe so. Spend a minute with Prince Charming, however, and you'll soon realize he's distant, aloof, and not all that charming. In fact, he's kind of a snobby dufus. Aimlessly wandering over to our table at an event dubbed "Cinderella's Royal table" and assuming we wanted his autograph. "Do you have something you'd like me to sign?" Yeah, buddy. Sign the dinner check you rich pompous jerk. If you're charming, then I've got a full head of hair. And that's another thing: Greg Brady called... he wants his coif back.

Peanut couldn't get far enough away from Prince Boring
You don't really get the true tale of Cinderella and Prince Charming until you've spoken to their relatives. Namely, her stepmother and stepsisters. And we got the inside scoop on the unhappy couple. First, if you really want charming, try talking to Drizella and Anastasia Tremaine. These girls are engaging, funny... truly a laugh a minute. Throw anything at them, and they've got a witty comeback. When I asked Anastasia why she's so much funnier in person than she's portrayed in the film, she said, "Oh that's just Cinderella twisting things." Lady Tremaine might not smile much, but she and her daughters certainly made us smile way more than our awkward encounter with His Douche-ness Prince Charming.

Lady Tremaine is actually the charming one 
Anastasia is funny (and Peanut is groping My Director)
Drizella truly stole the show. (Look at those smiles!)
As for the bell of the ball, maybe Cinderella isn't such a princess after all. Maybe - just maybe - she DOES have something to hide. For when the much-anticipated moment arrived, and Cinderella greeted us at our table, My Director was staring directly at something on her upper lip that could only be described as a cold sore. You read that right. Cinderella has an STD. Specifically, "The Herp." (I chose not to post a picture to protect Cinderella's true identity. And "doctoring" it didn't do it justice. Ya just have to trust us on this one.)

I was too stunned to pose the tough questions a true journalist would ask. But inquiring minds want to know: How did that get there? And from whom? Is she fooling around with the Grand Duke? Or worse, Gus Gus? Was it from Prince Charming? Are his balls more than royal? Did he get it from someone else? One of those apparently funnier-than-they're-portrayed-in-the-movie stepsisters, perhaps? They seem like they're primed to party anytime. And even if the movie is an exaggeration, the stepsisters stopped at nothing to make that slipper fit if you know what I mean. Or is he hitching his carriage somewhere outside of the castle?

We just don't know. We may never know. For now, all we do know is we'll never look at Cinderella the same way again. "Whatever you wish for you keep." Indeed.

I think real-life Cinderella's herp is even more disturbing than the perverted Belle sippy cup I have to deal with from time to time. 

12 comments:

  1. Thats funny. Im glad you all had a great time. Get that Prince outta there. Its funny because we always did the Princess Dinner and my favorite was always Belle and Jasmine. Ohh la la. Yeah.

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    1. We had breakfast with a bunch of princesses including Belle. That post is coming soon. What I can say is that I was "smitten" with her and told her as much. And My Director said, "You're creepy." hahahahaha.

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  2. Replies
    1. I am not exaggerating when I say they were the highlight of the evening.

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  3. The Princess Lunch or Dinner at the Akershus Restaurant in Epcot's Norway Exhibit was WAY better as far as we were concerned. The food was better (and cheaper!), the princesses didn't act like, well, princess at all, and you got more than 20 seconds with them! Our Aurora did happen to have a bad case of acne covered with a lot of make-up, but the kids didn't notice!

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    1. You're absolutely right, Teri! Our experience with that and my thoughts in general are coming in future posts. I'm just trying to space out the Disney ones so I don't bombard everyone with them at once. This is the first of 4.

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  4. Since I have never seen Cinderella I will just follow your story line... We only did the Prince and Princess dinner at The Grand Floridian once (it was free) my boys had zero interest. We usually skip them and go to Chef Mickeys at the Contemporary.

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    1. You don't have to justify going to a princess dinner with your boys by saying it was free. You're still a tough guy in my book.

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  5. Wow that's hilarious. You're a good man for not posting Cinderella's pic.

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    1. It was a last-minute decision. The journalist in me won out. Libel is an ugly thing.

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  6. This is shocking. And you know, I played both the Step Sisters in a production of Into the Woods. They were way more fun to play than Cinderella. And good to know that all is not roses in the castle. the Herp should be a Disney character.

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    1. I forgot that you played the stepsisters! Now it makes sense that they're so much fun. "The Herp" would be an amusing villain it it were a Disney character. Think Gaston from Beauty and the Beast.

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