Castle Confidential

"A dream is a wish your heart makes... Whatever you wish for, you keep." -Cinderella

Truer words have never be spoken. So fitting that they're from Cinderella herself. Especially that last line above. More on that in a minute...

But first, if you've ever wondered what happened after the credits stopped rolling at the end of the Cinderella; if you've ever wondered about the scene after the last piece of confetti had been thrown and the last piece of wedding cake had been eaten; if you've ever wondered if they truly lived their happily ever after, wonder no more. This is the true Hollywood story the writers of the fairy tales don't want you to know. A story of secrets, lies, intrigue, and sexually transmitted disease. Yes, there is an STD at the end of this story.

Our not-so-fairy tale begins with the happy couple. Or are they? We are led to believe so. Spend a minute with Prince Charming, however, and you'll soon realize he's distant, aloof, and not all that charming. In fact, he's kind of a snobby dufus. Aimlessly wandering over to our table at an event dubbed "Cinderella's Royal table" and assuming we wanted his autograph. "Do you have something you'd like me to sign?" Yeah, buddy. Sign the dinner check you rich pompous jerk. If you're charming, then I've got a full head of hair. And that's another thing: Greg Brady called... he wants his coif back.

Peanut couldn't get far enough away from Prince Boring

You don't really get the true tale of Cinderella and Prince Charming until you've spoken to their relatives. Namely, her stepmother and stepsisters. And we got the inside scoop on the unhappy couple. First, if you really want charming, try talking to Drizella and Anastasia Tremaine. These girls are engaging, funny... truly a laugh a minute. Throw anything at them, and they've got a witty comeback. When I asked Anastasia why she's so much funnier in person than she's portrayed in the film, she said, "Oh that's just Cinderella twisting things." Lady Tremaine might not smile much, but she and her daughters certainly made us smile way more than our awkward encounter with His Douche-ness Prince Charming.

Lady Tremaine is actually the charming one 

Anastasia is funny (and Peanut is groping My Director)

Drizella truly stole the show. (Look at those smiles!)

As for the bell of the ball, maybe Cinderella isn't such a princess after all. Maybe - just maybe - she DOES have something to hide. For when the much-anticipated moment arrived, and Cinderella greeted us at our table, My Director was staring directly at something on her upper lip that could only be described as a cold sore. You read that right. Cinderella has an STD. Specifically, "The Herp." (I chose not to post a picture to protect Cinderella's true identity. And "doctoring" it didn't do it justice. Ya just have to trust us on this one.)

I was too stunned to pose the tough questions a true journalist would ask. But inquiring minds want to know: How did that get there? And from whom? Is she fooling around with the Grand Duke? Or worse, Gus Gus? Was it from Prince Charming? Are his balls more than royal? Did he get it from someone else? One of those apparently funnier-than-they're-portrayed-in-the-movie stepsisters, perhaps? They seem like they're primed to party anytime. And even if the movie is an exaggeration, the stepsisters stopped at nothing to make that slipper fit if you know what I mean. Or is he hitching his carriage somewhere outside of the castle?

We just don't know. We may never know. For now, all we do know is we'll never look at Cinderella the same way again. "Whatever you wish for you keep." Indeed.

I think real-life Cinderella's herp is even more disturbing than the perverted Belle sippy cup I have to deal with from time to time.