One Piece of Advice for Graduates

"I used to be young and cocky like these kids. Now I'm old and cocky." -Me, to My Director, as a group of graduates stood at the front of church one Sunday for a special blessing.


I have some words of wisdom to impart to the class of 2013. Because despite my receding hair line and expanding home equity line, it wasn't too long ago that I graduated from high school. Alright, so it was 1993. Two years before most of this year's graduates were even born. You happy now? I'm old. There. I said it. And I drive a minivan. Can we move on to the advice?

There is a line I write in every high-school graduation card that My Director hands me with the assignment of "be inspiring." Here it is: "Don't do anything you can't tell your mom."

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Six Crucial Rules for Grocery Shopping

For me, it's a weekly chore. Maybe for you it's more often than that. If so, God bless you. I'm talking about grocery shopping. Or, as I like to call it, "food shopping." Since I do the cooking in our house, I also do the food shopping. And I do it solo. Over the years, I have perfected my system. And I am here to make your supermarket experience easier. Coincidentally, in doing so, I make my shopping experience more pleasant. Isn't it nice how that works?

The holidays just add more complications and obstacles to this necessary but annoying endeavor. Rookies and neophytes who don't know where anything is, looking for obscure ingredients for random recipes, clogging your aisles with unexpected mayhem. But it doesn't have to be this way. So as we all descend on the grocery stores in the weeks leading up to Christmas, there are certain rules to follow to ensure everyone stays sane. (Relatively speaking, of course.)

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#PayItForward: Food Good, Laundry Bad @evinschmevin

Most Fridays, I will share with you a post from another blog that I find particularly moving, interesting, or funny. They will be posts that fit the DKL mold... ones I think people who read this blog would enjoy. Another blogger I follow started something similar. I also wanted to do this because someone paid it forward to me, giving me tons of new followers. So this is the least I can do...

As I have chronicled before, I am the cook in our house. And while I post the occasional recipe here on DKL, I don't necessarily follow recipes per se. I like to freestyle and I've memorized a lot of stuff from watching and cooking with my mom. There is one food blogger I love to follow, but not for the recipes. It's for the way she spins tales about her family and life as a stay-at-home mom while she's talking about the food. So to me she's a mommy blogger with a twist. A delicious and often hilarious twist.

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Stepping Up is Hard to Do

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose.” -Dr. Seuss, Oh the Places You'll Go!

Now that Peanut is kicking the comfort of daycare off her shoes and heading into Kindergarten in the fall; now that she's participated in the emotional, adorable "stepping up" ceremony that had my face soaked with snot and tears, causing me to lose all of my street cred as a stoic, stone-faced sarcastic dad; now that all of that is behind us and we are looking forward to the rest of her academic career, I have some words of wisdom to impart on Peanut and her pint-sized classmates.

First: Learn to read. You're not going to get anywhere in life having other people read things to you. It's embarrassing, really. Grab a book, sound out the words, and string a sentence together. Educate yourself. Stop relying on other people - mainly, your parents - to read to you. It's lazy. (Actually, you're so close it's scary.)

While we're on the subject of parental dependency, that brings me to my second point: your mommy and daddy aren't always going to be there to help you. Cut your own meat. Blow your own nose. Wipe your own butt. Have some dignity. When you get older, and you ask someone for a favor that you're perfectly capable of doing yourself, and they respond with, "You want me to wipe your butt for you too?" You'll know what I'm talking about. Cut the cord.

That leads perfectly to number three on my list: entitlement. You are not entitled to a snack, a nap, or dessert. You don't get a toy every time we go shopping somewhere. These things are rewards and they are earned. You work hard, you play hard, you follow the rules, you be kind to others, you reap the benefits. Do those things, and you get a bowl of ice cream. Do those things and I'll get you that Rapunzel pez dispenser you've had your eye on. 

Number four: if you don't do those things, you don't get a reward. And you definitely don't cry to get your way. Do you think that's how people act in the real world? In Kindergarten? This is the big leagues. Shape up. Crying because you want to read a different book than we picked? Or because you wanted to be the one who opened the door when we got home? Or because we didn't let you play a ninth round of hide-and-seek before bed? That's immature and unacceptable. Suck it up. Choke back those tears. As The Rolling Stones say, you can't always get what you want. And as Frank Sinatra says, that's life. Sometimes it's not fair. You cooperate and coexist. Deal with it and move on.

Finally: grow up. Everything is not a game. Or a joke. On second thought...who am I kidding? I still make a game or a joke out of almost everything. It's why you're so funny. (That and your mom serves a great 'straight man.') But if you do everything else on my list, you can get away with the occasional - or not-so-occasional - nonsense. People will take you seriously when it matters if you lead by example. Show that you're smart, capable, independent, hard-working, fair, dependable, and realistic. You'll have yourself allies. More important, you'll have yourself friends. Friends you can joke with. Friends you can be silly with. Friends for life.

You stood up there on stage at your Pre-K Stepping Up ceremony. You walked up to the microphone with a big smile. You grabbed it, leaned in, and said confidently and excitedly that your favorite thing about Pre-K was "being with your friends." You can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their friends. Keep surrounding yourself with good people. They will help you. They will love you. They won't judge you. They'll make you laugh in the good times. They'll make you laugh until you cry in the bad times. No person is poor who has friends.

That makes you one of the richest kids I know. Keep doing what you're doing, Peanut. I'll always be here to guide you along.

Kindergarten here we come. But first, one last summer as my baby.

Here is the video of Peanut saying what her favorite thing about Pre-K is. (If you listen closely you can hear a proud dad's reaction):


Two days before her Stepping Up ceremony, I wrote this for my "little girl."

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20 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Went to #Disney

It took our first family trip to Disney World for me to write a "tips" post. Enough people have asked me for advice since we've returned to convince me to put a bunch of the information in one place. As you may know, having gone to Disney once now makes me an expert on the subject. So don't fear, Disney rookie, you will soon be an expert just like me.

I took this picture. Not bad, eh?

We went for five days, four nights. We stayed at the Polynesian Resort and we saved a lot of money by staying in the same room with my in-laws. Yes, the same room. It actually wasn't nearly as bad as it sounds or as I feared. Except we did catch my mother-in-law snoring like Donald Duck one night. Other than that, the room was peachy.

So without further ado, here's what else I wish I knew before I went to Disney: (I linked all of the attractions I mention to the Disney site.)

1. Don't buy one of those how-to guide books. Have one of your wife's friends lend you one. Either way, use this one. My Director found it most helpful. What she didn't find most helpful was my not reading a single word of it despite her repeated requests. As great as it was for planning our activities and itineraries (it was the Bible, according to her), it addressed none of the rest of the things on my list.

2. At some point on your trip, you will feel like you are torturing your child(ren). He/she/they will be exhausted. You will keep pushing them. It's what we do to create those magical memories. Expect a meltdown or two. Or 37. YOU will also have a meltdown. Or two. Totally normal. Just make it quick, pull yourself together, and move on. 

3. Since utter exhaustion is a definite, and the amazing fireworks in the Magic Kingdom are a must, I would plan on seeing them early in the trip. First night. We went our last night. Peanut was as mad as she was mesmerized. I don't know how much sleep your kids want or need, but Peanut is a champion sleeper. Eleven hours at night. And she STILL takes a 2-3 hour nap some days. This trip, she got 8-9 hours per night max, with cat naps in the stroller here and there. She was excited to be there that first night. We should have struck while the iron was hot. Whenever you do go, the fireworks are a must. And they're free. (Or there's no extra charge wink wink.) Find a way to see them.

We were not alone in our
stroller dependency

4. The stroller. There are two very divided and very passionate camps: People who swear by it, and people who refuse to even consider it as an option. We swear by it (see #3). And because Peanut is sleepy and moody (see her dad), it was a lifesaver. As soon as she was tired or cranky, we'd stick her in there as we went from place to place. She'd snap out of it after about a half an hour. 

Snow White first thing
in the morning

5. On days you're going to be at the Magic Kingdom, get there when it opens. (Or before it opens if you're staying at a Disney resort.) Lines aren't that bad and the kids should be raring to go. It was great. You can hit up a character or two with very little wait because a bunch of them spread out on Main Street USA when you get there. We met Snow White like this one day and Pinocchio another.

Peanut & Pluto
at Epcot Character Spot

6. Speaking of characters, you don't have to spend a lot of time stalking them if you know where they are and when. For example, there is a Character Spot in Epcot where we met Mickey, Minnie, Donald, Goofy, and Pluto. All at once. We waited half an hour and got those five biggies banged out. (The time of day we went also helped - See #15 below.) You can really streamline your character stalking by hitting them up at set times and places. There is a daily schedule of which characters you can meet and where at the entrance to the parks. (This also helped us catch Tinker Bell, another Peanut favorite.)

Who's psyched for Tigger?

7. You can also bang out a lot of characters at meals. If you have character meals planned, you'll get a majority of your autographs and pictures then. If your kids like Winnie the Pooh, we did the breakfast at Crystal Palace in Magic Kingdom one morning. We met Pooh, Tigger, Eeyore, and Piglet. This was great. Food was good too.

The princess motherload

8. If you're stalking princesses like we were, you can hit the princess motherload like we did in Norway at Epcot. We had a meal at the Akurshus Royal Banquet Hall with Belle, Ariel, Aurora, Snow White, and Cinderella. (You can see pictures here.) This was very nicely done too. They do a similar one in the castle in Magic Kingdom. That one fills up quickly. So this one was our only choice, and it was not a disappointment. It also wasn't crowded. BONUS: There is a great little Viking boat ride called Maelstrom right outside of the restaurant. We lucked out. It was raining and there was no line. We rode it twice in a row. It was a Peanut favorite. (DOUBLE BONUS: That reminds me: Epcot is great if it's raining or really hot because you can spend big chunks of time indoors.)

9. For more princesses, we went to Cinderella's Happily Ever After Dinner at 1900 Park Fare at the Grand Floridian Hotel. Prince Charming and the wicked stepmother and stepsisters were also there. We weren't impressed with the food, and Peanut and My Director like to say Prince Charming was "not so charming." But what made this one worth it was the stepsisters. They were so funny and entertaining. Book these things way in advance.

10. Speaking of food, I would only plan a sit-down breakfast if characters are involved. And when I say "characters," I'm not talking about your in-laws. Eating a long breakfast isn't worth it to me. Grab a yogurt,  granola bar, and/or a piece of fruit, get to the park and get things done. Our meal plan allowed one sit-down, one "quick dining" meal (like fast food-type places), and one snack per day. This is plenty. Some days it's too much. I'm a hungry dude in general and I was fine on the days we followed this routine.

11. If you do a big breakfast, with characters for example, then don't do a sit-down dinner that night. It's just too much eating and sitting. It all depends on how long you're staying and whether you're on a meal plan and which one. But I'd rather eat on the go and have one sit-down meal each day. I don't like sitting around when there's stuff to do. Stopping to eat annoyed me. Peanut was fine with a quick breakfast and then mostly snacks. But I think the meal plan is worth the money for convenience, and for not having to pay when you're there.

12. Because I have very little patience, I was annoyed when we'd arrive 10 minutes early for our dinner reservations (because My Director and I are highly organized. See #1) and then end up getting seated 10-15 minutes later than our reservation. So DON'T be efficient like we were. Arrive on time and expect to wait a little. You'll be less annoyed.

13. Leave some nights open to walk around the park. We had a big dinner planned every night, whether it was at a restaurant or a show. While all of our dinners were enjoyable and/or entertaining, in hindsight I wouldn't do that. Grabbing a burger or whatever for a quick bite on one or two nights would have been fine with me. I didn't like being prisoner to a meal schedule every night. So next time, I won't book a dinner every night we're there.

14. Use fast pass when you can. You don't want to be waiting in line with young children for more than a half an hour. Fast pass eliminated that and makes excellent use of your time. And it's easy. Especially when Magic Kingdom gets busy. And get the fast pass for Soarin' in Epcot. It's amazing. Revolve your day around doing it. It's worth it. (40" minimum height)

15. We lucked out and went to Epcot in the early evening one day and it was dead. No lines. (See #6.) We hit Spaceship Earth, the Character Spot I mentioned above, a Nemo ride that Peanut loved, we talked to Crush the Turtle, and rode another ride in The Land. All in the three hours we had to kill before dinner. So consider that time of day for Epcot.

16. Animal Kingdom (if you're going) can also be done in a half a day. The Safari is great. The Everest coaster there is cool. (But Space Mountain is still better.) There's more to see than do. It's a good change-of-pace park. Especially if you have an animal lover like we do. BONUS: If you have a Nemo lover like we do, the Nemo musical in Animal Kingdom is a must. It's indoors so you can cool off and rest if your little one is getting grumpy.

17. Prepare for the pool at the hotel to be your kids' favorite thing. Every day around noon, Peanut would ask us if we could go back and swim in the pool. And by 3 or 4, we were swimming for an hour. Those swims were some of the most memorable parts of the trip for me. (And once again, they cost "nothing" wink wink.)

18. If you want to see and hear your child belly laugh, I mean really cackle, taken him/her to Monsters Inc. Laugh Floor in TomorrowLand.

19. If you're not following Daddy's in Charge, go do it. Then ask him any other questions you might have. He goes to Disney more than Super Bowl MVPs do. In fact, part of the expansion of FantasyLand includes a condo for him and his family. He is a great resource for anything and everything Disney. Post questions on his Facebook wall. Or tweet him. He will happily answer you. So will I.

20. Last but not least, you will NOT get to do everything on your list. Understand that before you get on that plane to Orlando. I thought I did. I obviously didn't. Trust me. And just know that if you don't get to something, it'll just give you a reason to go back.

Bonus: Prepare to spend more money than you would ever dream of spending on silly trinkets, unhealthy treats, and ridiculous souvenirs. For instance, I was in my right mind when I didn't hesitate to fork over $10 for a Mickey Mouse balloon as if it were my destiny. All to make Peanut smile after she had tripped and skinned her elbow.

Me, Peanut, and the $10 balloon
that just wouldn't die

That balloon lasted the entire trip. And to ensure we didn't waste it, we gave it to a family who was just arriving at our hotel as we were leaving for the airport.

One last thing: You're going to Disney World. You've invested thousands of dollars in this trip. Why say no? The word "no" is one thing we don't bring on vacation. It's very unlike us, but it's wonderful. That rule started on Peanut's first big trip, which I wrote about here.

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Tell Me Something I Don't Know

Here's the most annoying thing about being an expectant dad: it's not that my wife's mood swings more often than the door to the Yankees bullpen when Randy Johnson pitched (thank God he's gone). It's not that every time she tries to get comfortable in bed, I get a knee in my back. It's not even that, like clockwork, she'll ask me for something the instant I sit down. And that something is usually in the place from where I just came. That's annoying, but not the most annoying.

No... THE most annoying thing about being an expectant dad is that everybody wants to tell you something you already know. Sometimes they're specific. Like the fathers who tell you that you're never going to sleep through the night again. "Get your sleep now," they say. As if I'm a bear that can just hibernate for months until my daughter arrives. And in doing so, I'll be magically well rested. What they don't realize is that by saying that, they are having the reverse effect. Since I'm so neurotic, one of the things that keeps me up nights is knowing I won't get enough sleep once the baby is here.

They also want to tell you that you're never going to get to go to the gym again, thus becoming a fat slob with three chins and man boobs. That's a good thing to say to a guy who is so self-conscious that daily he asks his still-growing soulmate if he looks fat. Why am I friends with these people?

Other times, it's more general. Here's a good one: they like to tell you that "life as you know it is going to change forever." No kidding. You mean it's not like owning a hamster? I can't keep her in a cage and get her a little wheel to run on for those times when I'm tired of playing with her myself? Do these people have anything constructive to say? Seriously. What is wrong with people?

What is wrong with the women who find it helpful to share with my wife all of their horror stories from pregnancy and birth? Did more than the baby, and perhaps some of their cerebral cortex, come out during the birth as well? Even our moms, sisters, cousins, and aunts do this. Our own flesh and blood. Hello? Do you not remember what it was like when you were pregnant for the first time? All of the anxiety about the unknown?

Parents who have been through it already should be a source of comfort, not of aggravation, for expectant first-timers. Didn't your mom always tell you, "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say it at all?" Well that should go double for these moms and dads who want to share all of the gory details about afterbirth and late-night, weary-eyed feedings, and "make sure you ask for the epidural as soon as you get to the hospital." One of my favorites: "Breast feeding sucks. No, it literally sucks. Ha ha." No, you're literally not funny. You're a nightmare. Ha ha.

You know what would have been helpful? One of these know-it-alls coming over and helping me put the crib together. That would have been nice. I'm not the handiest guy in the world. I can drink a screwdriver better than I can use a screwdriver. Or maybe they could have shown me how to install the car seat. I swear to you there are some NASA scientists that couldn't figure that one out. And when I brought it to the police station for them to make sure I did it correctly, they just laughed at me.

What is this, initiation to some sort of fraternity? Well, let me tell you something, my friend, I've pledged already. It was more than a decade ago. I wore the diaper and I ate the raw onion. That was college, and it was funny. This is real life, and I'm not saying it's not funny, but a little help would be appreciated.

And they may be thinking they're sharing a nice sentiment, but if I hear someone say how much I'm going to love this child one more time, I'm going to flip. What am I, made of stone? If you cut me, do I not bleed? You're talking to a guy who was so upset when his wedding reception had ended, his new bride had to console him. That may have had something to do with all of those Sambuca shots, but that's neither here nor there. And while I'm baring my soul, I also cried the first time we left our dog somewhere when we went on vacation. How's that for love, or attachment? I may present a tough exterior, but inside, Niagara Falls is just a good episode of "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" away.

So don't tell me my life is going to change. I know that. We knew that when we decided to have a baby. It's going to change for the better, because this little girl is going to teach me things I would have never thought I could know. And please don't tell me how much I am going to love her, because I already do love her more than you can imagine, and she's not even here yet.

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