The TV Hierarchy

Laying on the couch with a severe case of Man Cold for past few days, I've watched a lot of television. Most of it classic, awesome movies like Die Hard With a Vengeance, Field of Dreams, and Midnight Run. There is no better way to sweat out a bad case of Man Cold than by channeling the testosterone and coolness of the likes of Bruce Willis, James Earl Jones, and Robert DeNiro.

Watching all of that television inspired me to unveil this list, the undisputed rankings of what takes precedence on the television in our house. It is the result of years of negotiations. Now despite its length and detail, you'd think we watch a lot of television. Fear not. We watch just enough. You will notice it is very top-heavy in my favor. That is because I am willing to sacrifice what's on the television for a majority of the year, just to have complete authority when it counts. So without further ado, here is what rules the tube in the DKL house:

1. Pro football: For the sermon at our wedding, the pastor asked me and My Director to write about why we love each other. Neither of us was allowed to know what the other wrote until we heard the sermon. One of the things I wrote was, "Because she understands Sundays are for football." The pastor made sure to interject that Sundays are for church too. Well played, padre. Entire weekends are planned around me getting to sit on the couch for six hours and watch nothing but football. Or the Jets, who occasionally resemble football.

2. Hollywood Award Shows: On the day before the Golden Globes a few weeks ago, a guy asked me, "You don't watch that crap with your wife, do you?" I responded yes to this mouth-breathing baboon because, "Seventeen Sundays of the year I get to sit on the couch and watch football without complaint." Mainly, we're talking the Golden Globes, Oscars, and Emmys. As My Director puts it, "The Golden Globes and Oscars, to me, are like the Jets being in the playoffs." Tough to argue with that. But unlike the Jets being in the playoffs, the Golden Globes and Oscars happen every year.

3. Yankees Playoff Baseball: Once again, sports rule. But you see, there are not that many nights of the year where the Yankees are playing a playoff game. (Or playing one well enough to compel me to watch the whole thing.) Maybe ten to fifteen max, if they get a good run in them. Thus, it's high priority. I rarely watch a regular season game. Instead, I follow it online while My Director and I catch Grey's Anatomy or The Walking Dead on DVR. It's called compromise, fellas. (Yeah I totally got her hooked on Walking Dead for my own benefit.)

4. Doc McStuffins: There are days when I'm tempted to watch this show without Peanut. That's how much I love it. We will move heaven and earth to get her to watch it. We usually don't have to work that hard. Our love for this show has only grown since it came into our lives a few months ago. Sweet, sweet Doc. (I wrote more about why we love Doc HERE.)

5. DVR All-Stars: I'm talking about the ones that never get stale on our DVR: Add Parenthood and Breaking Bad to the ones I've mentioned already.

6. Anything on HGTV: Specifically, Property Brothers, House Hunters, or Love It Or List It. This is where My Director gets her revenge for all of the sports and there is nothing I can do about it. "Maybe you'll learn something," she'll say to her not-so-handy husband. Obnoxiously passive aggressive. But completely justified.

7. Kids movies: Only ones that I'd enjoy/haven't seen: Recent examples include The Wizard of Oz, Mary Poppins, and Pinocchio.

8. Regular season Yankees baseball/General Hospital on DVR: This is where we enter that murky area where I'm on the computer blogging, but want the Yankees on as background noise. I don't yet want to commit to a show on the DVR because my readers demand a perfect post and dammit it's not quite right yet. Still, My Director insists she should have control of the television because I am being occupied by another form of media. Fair point. So General Hospital it is. (Did ya notice Felicia and Frisco AND Luke and Laura are back?) And when she's playing Bejeweled or whatever she does on her iPhone, I get to actually watch some no-stress baseball.

9. Syracuse basketball: Sports we can agree on. We are both alums. It's where we met. There is no discussion. She is into it too, but only in February and March. She likes her brackets, and loyally picks SU to go all the way every year.

10. Turn the tv off please: It would be nice to have a conversation once in a while. Or, you know "cuddle."

11. Kids movies that suck: The annoying Lilo and Stitch and the execrable Return of Jaffar immediately come to mind. That sh! t's just not right. But sometimes when Peanut is a good girl and she asks for even the worst movie politely, we give in.

12. But those movies are so bad, I will even play Play Doh with you as an alternative. And you don't even have to help clean up that horrible, sticky, annoying mess.

13. Strawberry Shortcake. For the love of God only in times of dire emergency. Because it's only on Netflix and I need the computer to blog for crying out loud. "But daddy, we get Netflix on the tv too." Dammit how does she know that? At least it's not...

14. Hello Kitty: Hell hath no fury like a dad forced to sit through an entire episode of this nonsense. It was recently removed from Netflix, and Peanut was devastated. I rejoiced.

15. I'm going food shopping because My Director is actually letting her watch...

16. Jem. This is the bottom of the television food chain. The chum that the barnacles eat. It is cartoon soap opera. And it's so bad it makes my eyes sting and my heart sad. Yet, somehow, My Director not only watched this as a child, she loved it. And yes, I find this all truly outrageous.

For my take on individual shows and movies that we watch, you can always check out the posts under the What We're Watching tab. But since my Man Cold helped inspire this entire post, you should inform (and entertain) yourself by reading my Man Cold post HERE. It could save a life.