Thursday, February 9, 2012

Man Cold: The Next Pandemic

This is no laughing matter. Despite the efforts of wives and significant female others across this country to sweep a growing health problem under the rug, I am not afraid to speak out on behalf of my gender.

The warnings were there
Man Cold is here, it is serious, and it needs to be stopped. Research funding needs to be reallocated before it’s too late. We already know from The Walking Dead that the CDC has no answer for the coming zombie apocalypse. (That show should serve as an instructional video and not just as a cautionary tale.) But at least we know Man Cold is here, now. So it’s time to stop ignoring it. It’s time to stop kidding ourselves. It’s time to act.

Take me, for example. I have been sick since Wednesday… last Wednesday for crying out loud. I’ve taken a sick day from work, spent virtually an entire weekend in my pajamas, have been in bed by 8:30 most nights, drugged myself with NyQuill, Tylenol Cold, Afrin, and Ibuprofen. I’m drinking plenty of fluids. I haven’t blogged in a week. (Yet despite my weakened condition, I’ve managed to fire off this little ditty for you. You’re welcome.) I haven’t worked out or run in almost two weeks. I had to call out sick on a day I had a job interview for Godsakes. What the hell is wrong with me?
This is me, sick and angry, making my family a
delicious frittata while they lounge on the couch

And I’m still waking up every morning with a peach pit-sized ball of mucus in my throat. I still sound like my grandma Sylvia, with her hacking nicotine cough. And another thing: tea? Soothes the sore throat, sure. But it also clears up the internal plumbing a lot faster and more effectively than coffee, if you know what I mean. This would be welcome news if I were in fact having issues in that department. So add that symptom to the sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, and stuffy head. (No fever.)

I must say, Mucinex has been a Godsend. It has even inspired a new term for my Man Cold vocabulary: “Gary Mucey.” That’s who I sound like when I try to speak before the Mucinex has kicked in:
An amusing side effect.
Unlike what I get with the tea.
To dismiss or laugh off the Man Cold Pandemic would be a huge mistake and have serious repercussions for our economy. Heck, for our society. You can’t have babies without men, ladies… yet. So we can’t keep populating the world and blogging about it unless we eradicate this horrible disease.

My therapy puppy
You know who’s taking this seriously? Luna, my loyal and loving little dog. Staying by my side as I lay on the couch. Joining me when I go upstairs to the bedroom for a nap. And Peanut too. Taking a break from playing Candy Land with My Director - who laughs at me - to gently kiss me on my forehead as I nap. She even pretended to play as me, green gingerbread man and all, as I slept. And every night when we put her to sleep, she tells me, “I hope you feel better, daddy.” Such hope. Such awareness. Such concern.

We need more women like Peanut in this world. Women who will see that men are not overreacting when we’re sick. We really feel this badly. And don’t give me this nonsense about how men are such babies when they're sick, proving  they could never handle childbirth if they had to. You ladies get an epidural. What do we get? Over-the-counter drugs that simply treat the symptoms, not the debilitating virus that fuels them.

Well, it’s time. Time to move toward a viable treatment. A vaccine. A cure. Are we being babies? Maybe. But keep this up, and there won’t be any babies anymore.

Cure Man Cold. Our future depends on it. Until then, I'm gonna take another nap.

18 comments:

  1. Hmmm. Nice try. My hubby was laid out on the couch for two days with a case of pink eye once. You all are wimps.

    I'm kidding, of course. I hope you feel better soon!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Poor guy. If he needs to talk, tell I'm here for him.

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  3. How much mucus must be shed? How many tissues must be slaughtered? How many tremendously entertaining blog posts must go unwritten?

    It is time for the medical world to hear our whiny, indistinguishable-from-our-children outcry and put a stop to this suffering.

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  4. Man up cupcake.... frittatas don't make themselves!

    Your sickness will in time pass, right about the time the zombie apocalypse begins. Good thing you're prepping for it with plenty of naps.

    On a personal note.... The Musings of Munch would like to offer an apology to Mom's everywhere on DKL's behalf for his insensitive "You ladies get an epidural" remark. That remark had to have been induced by the home created drug cocktail coursing through DKLs system, as no Daddy would ever be DUMB enough to say something like that.... at least out loud

    Feel better soon bud....

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  5. Cure Man Cold! Yes! Great post, brother.

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  6. @Twinfamy, @DadorAlive, and @Birdbath: Thank you, brothers. It is encouraging to see a strong group of men, dads, and bloggers uniting behind this crucial cause.

    @Munch: Ya think ya know a guy. But since YOU brought it up: They make the man leave the room during the epidural as a huge needle is plunged into the woman's spine. That proves which one of us is brave and which is not.

    Still, Man Cold is real, it's here, and must be stopped. And if it takes a giant needle in my spine, I'll take it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know that can't say things like that in front of women. They're smarter, stronger (needle reference above) and infinitely more devious and patient then men. Don't go poking bears with sticks brother!!!

      On a side note... they didn't make me leave the room when my wife had her epidural.

      Delete
  7. u sir, r hilarious....i would pay to see u standup....lol

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  8. Thank you for bringing this issue into the public eye. I believe that scientists have confirmed that the Man Cold virus is like the Hulk of the virus world - an angry virus that smashes!

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  9. Aw! Feel better soon. Always love when my hubby's sick as he's home more, but find it TOTALLY boring when he uses that prime family time to sleep! The nerve!

    Just stopping in from Triberr!

    Warmest regards,
    Joy
    http://www.PardonMyPoppet.com/PipSqueaks
    Pardon My Poppet ~ Pip Squeaks from the Mummy-verse!

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  10. These little kids and women get a small virus and by the time it gets to me in has mutated into some flesh eating super virus. My son had a cough one time and I ended up with bird flu.

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  11. Hahahaha I always have to laugh when people talk about how men act when they're sick because I am not a "strong woman who is still a super multi-tasker" when sick. I am a miserable, whiney, complaining, pathetic sicky, lol.

    I'm glad Peanut takes it seriously. Cupcakes is sick now and it sucks!

    Jamie
    For Love of Cupcakes

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  12. Carrie Neal WaldenMarch 3, 2012 at 4:52 PM

    So funny. Just took care of the BF last week and got major points for all my attention. He is kind of a baby when he's sick- but so am I!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. All men are babies when they're sick because Man Cold is a serious disease that needs to be stopped.

      Delete
    2. Oh my, I just had a conversation at work about the man cold. Haha I got really sick but managed to cook dinner and clean the house. I wasn't able to take nyquil during my sicky days since it makes me sick, so I got to suffer the full effects. When my husband caught the bug, you would have sworn he was dying. Laying in bed sleeping all day, and he got to take nyquil. Lol

      Delete
  13. I just shared this link with some family, because Man Cold effects every man and the word needs to be spread...

    ReplyDelete

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