All in the Family

"Don't make fun of your mother. It's a sin against your soul." -My mom.

I don't call my mom as much as I should. Timing is mostly to blame. That's lame, I know. But sometimes when I think of calling her, it's too late. I know she's either asleep or...

Mom and I at a family wedding a few years ago.

One of the things I find most amusing, but sometimes most aggravating, about my mom is that I can tell how many glasses of wine she's had on a given night by the number of times I have to ask her the same question before I get an answer. The later I call, the more glasses of wine that have been consumed. And the more likely the conversation is, shall I say, colorful. This not only leads to a lot of repeated questions during the conversation, but repeated conversations the next time we talk.

For instance, she actually called me on the Monday AND Tuesday after Easter, to ask me how our Easter with my in-laws was. "Mom," I said on the second call. "What is this, Groundhog Day?" Then she insists we didn't talk yesterday, and the conversation becomes a blow-by-blow account of what we had discussed previously. A little bit of this is age. A lot of it is wine.

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THE PEANUT GALLERY: Adult Swim

"Peanut, why are all of these princesses naked?" 

"Because they're having a swimming party, daddy:"

Now THAT's a party.

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What We're Watching: Brave

"Our fate lives within us. You only need to be brave enough to see it." -from Brave

"Brave" (2012/rated PG): Before we went to see this movie, I had no idea where its title came from. I just assumed that the fire-haired arrow-shooting princess Merida (pronounced "MERRY-dah"), would be a warrior who shatters the often-maligned Disney princess mold. The plot soon revealed Merida to be a teenage princess who was still an adept archer but not a soldier of any sort. Instead, Merida was engaged in the age-old battle-of-wills that so many princesses throughout history have had with their moms. Still, in the back of my mind I wondered what the point of that title was.

Then, after an emotional reunion with her mom where they both realize they were misunderstanding each other throughout the whole movie, Merida narrates the lines I quoted above just before the credits roll.

Brave. Here I thought it was going to mean she was a fighter, like Mulan. But no. It means she fought, not with a weapon, but for what she believes in.Her values, her desired fate, her future. She didn't want to be betrothed to someone. Her mom insisted that's what princesses do. After an encounter with a witch and a scary bear, turns out princesses don't have to do it that way.

I wanted to bring Peanut to this movie because of her current fascination with princesses, since Merida is brave and strong. My suspicions were right. Merida is a wonderful role model who, while she has issues with her mom, takes a stand for her family. Her love for them is evident throughout, even when they are in conflict. Oh, added bonus: Merida is a princess who has two parents throughout the entire film too.

Disney and Pixar outdid themselves with the animation and the message. And even though Peanut was afraid of the mean bear, I would recommend this movie to children her age. A little warning: there is a bit of nudity. Yes, nudity. Some quick, humorous mooning. And there is a bit of violence. (Thus, the PG rating.) Overall, the film has some funny and heartwarming moments. And the end gave me goose bumps, made My Director cry, and left Peanut smiling and clapping. It's also a great mother-daughter movie.

Brave gets three very enthusiastic thumbs up from the DKL family.

For more on Peanut's princess fascination, click here to see which ones we tracked down on our Disney adventure. 

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What We're Watching: Mulan

"Mulan" (1998/Rated G): In our ongoing effort to expose Peanut to as many princesses as possible before she outgrows this phase (wink wink), we recorded Mulan on the DVR and had a family movie night on Friday. Actually, it was Peanut who spotted it while I was setting her up with another episode of Doc McStuffins. (A review for which is long overdue. Stay tuned.)  She saw the promo, asked to have it recorded, and I obliged knowing nothing of this film except that Mulan is "the Asian princess" who ends up being a strong warrior who saves her country.

And that is actually Mulan in a nutshell. But of course, you can't have a Disney "princess" story without the princess having some sort of shortcoming and the society in which she lives having some sort of huge problem with her or with women in general. (I put princess in quotes because Mulan isn't the traditional Disney princess with the tiara and the prince and the damsel in distress.) Well, in this film Mulan's shortcoming is that she's a girl. Seriously. She lives in China. And let's just say girls are frowned upon in that establishment. And society's huge problem with women is, well, women.

But Mulan sneaks away from her family to fight her country's war on her injured father's behalf. She is a misfit who becomes a cunning warrior with minimal training that is portrayed through an odd musical sequence performed by Donny Osmond. To make a long story short, and without giving up a lot of the rest of the plot, she ends up being the hero. And despite its chauvanistic shortcomings, Mulan is actually the hero. She saves the day and this otherwise ho-hum movie.

Obviously a necessary conversation was had with Peanut both during and after this movie. A conversation about girls being able to do things just as well if not better than boys. About them being just as strong, smart, and capable, if not more. (Ya know, sexism is bad.) All in all, Mulan is entertaining and short, both of which are crucial. But something tells me this one won't be in the rotation too long. And that's fine with me too.

Mulan was one of the few princesses we didn't meet on our trip to Disney. Click here to read about which ones we did.

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The Princesses and THE PEANUT GALLERY

About a week before her 5th birthday, Peanut told me she wanted to be a veterinarian when she grows up.  That was the first time she had ever answered that question with an actual profession. I was psyched. I was impressed. I thought it was so cool, in fact, that I mentioned it in the post I wrote for her 5th birthday.

Recently, I asked her the same question again. This time, she changed her answer... to princess. Now she wants to be a freakin' princess when she grows up?! "What happened to being a veterinarian?" I asked."

"Daddy, I just want to be a princess ok?"

Immediately, alarm bells went off in my head. But I bit my tongue. The Disney trip euphoria still runs through her veins. And My Director assured me not to worry... that it's ok to dream at her age. As usual, she's right. (Every time I write that she's right an angel gets its wings.)

I understand the arguments about the stereotypes, the negative messages, etc. And why some parents want to avoid exposing their daughters to the princesses at all cost. Not only do I hear you, I was with you. This whole princess thing just happened innately. We didn't buy her any doll, dress her in any costume, or show her any movie. But despite our best efforts, she gravitated towards them. It's in her DNA I guess. Fine.

So we are firmly entrenched in the "let her enjoy the fantasy until the cold hard truth of reality smacks her in the face" camp. That cold hard truth will come from us one day. We'll have to tell her that life isn't a fairy tale. That your prince may never come. And if he does, "happily ever after" is all relative.

But that can wait. So for now, Peanut is a princess. And that's not so bad. After all, every time she plays dress-up she makes me her king. Not too shabby for a guy who grew up in a middle-class blue-collar family. And there's no arguing with the look on Peanut's face when she met the princesses in Disney World:

Aurora

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Castle Confidential

"A dream is a wish your heart makes... Whatever you wish for, you keep." -Cinderella

Truer words have never be spoken. So fitting that they're from Cinderella herself. Especially that last line above. More on that in a minute...

But first, if you've ever wondered what happened after the credits stopped rolling at the end of the Cinderella; if you've ever wondered about the scene after the last piece of confetti had been thrown and the last piece of wedding cake had been eaten; if you've ever wondered if they truly lived their happily ever after, wonder no more. This is the true Hollywood story the writers of the fairy tales don't want you to know. A story of secrets, lies, intrigue, and sexually transmitted disease. Yes, there is an STD at the end of this story.

Our not-so-fairy tale begins with the happy couple. Or are they? We are led to believe so. Spend a minute with Prince Charming, however, and you'll soon realize he's distant, aloof, and not all that charming. In fact, he's kind of a snobby dufus. Aimlessly wandering over to our table at an event dubbed "Cinderella's Royal table" and assuming we wanted his autograph. "Do you have something you'd like me to sign?" Yeah, buddy. Sign the dinner check you rich pompous jerk. If you're charming, then I've got a full head of hair. And that's another thing: Greg Brady called... he wants his coif back.

Peanut couldn't get far enough away from Prince Boring

You don't really get the true tale of Cinderella and Prince Charming until you've spoken to their relatives. Namely, her stepmother and stepsisters. And we got the inside scoop on the unhappy couple. First, if you really want charming, try talking to Drizella and Anastasia Tremaine. These girls are engaging, funny... truly a laugh a minute. Throw anything at them, and they've got a witty comeback. When I asked Anastasia why she's so much funnier in person than she's portrayed in the film, she said, "Oh that's just Cinderella twisting things." Lady Tremaine might not smile much, but she and her daughters certainly made us smile way more than our awkward encounter with His Douche-ness Prince Charming.

Lady Tremaine is actually the charming one 

Anastasia is funny (and Peanut is groping My Director)

Drizella truly stole the show. (Look at those smiles!)

As for the bell of the ball, maybe Cinderella isn't such a princess after all. Maybe - just maybe - she DOES have something to hide. For when the much-anticipated moment arrived, and Cinderella greeted us at our table, My Director was staring directly at something on her upper lip that could only be described as a cold sore. You read that right. Cinderella has an STD. Specifically, "The Herp." (I chose not to post a picture to protect Cinderella's true identity. And "doctoring" it didn't do it justice. Ya just have to trust us on this one.)

I was too stunned to pose the tough questions a true journalist would ask. But inquiring minds want to know: How did that get there? And from whom? Is she fooling around with the Grand Duke? Or worse, Gus Gus? Was it from Prince Charming? Are his balls more than royal? Did he get it from someone else? One of those apparently funnier-than-they're-portrayed-in-the-movie stepsisters, perhaps? They seem like they're primed to party anytime. And even if the movie is an exaggeration, the stepsisters stopped at nothing to make that slipper fit if you know what I mean. Or is he hitching his carriage somewhere outside of the castle?

We just don't know. We may never know. For now, all we do know is we'll never look at Cinderella the same way again. "Whatever you wish for you keep." Indeed.

I think real-life Cinderella's herp is even more disturbing than the perverted Belle sippy cup I have to deal with from time to time. 

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What the Hell Was I Thinking?

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city." - George Burns

I'm an ideas guy. It's how I make my living, after all. I take my and others' ideas and make compelling television out of them. But this...this was MY idea.

My Director and I decided to finally succumb to the wicked yet awesome power of the princesses, join the mainstream and take Peanut to Disney World. But when? Well, what better time than her birthday in March? We avoid a pricey birthday party with all of those unnecessary (but appreciated) gifts and make her 5th birthday (holy crap she's turning 5?!?!) special.

This, despite my penchant for penny pinching and insistence on not spoiling her. Sometimes you just have to say, "What the hell." We've realized over the past few months that due to physical, emotional, financial, and professional factors, Peanut may ultimately be an only child. So we're no longer going to wait to do the things we want to do with her. And if Peanut's going to be "all in" on princesses, we're going to be "all in" on taking her to see them if and when we can.

photo from www.wdwforgrownups.com

You may be asking, "That's the idea you're talking about? Disney? Big deal, DKL." No. The idea - or bad idea, depending on how you look at it - is going with my in-laws. Not just going with them, but staying in the same room with them.

Maybe I can sleep in that volcano

I'm not talking about a suite here, either, people. Two queen beds side-by-side with a pull-out for Peanut. One bathroom. Let me allow that last part about the one bathroom sink in again while I remind you I am lactose intolerant. One piece of cheese and I'm a ticking time bomb counting down to a volcanic eruption. Something tells me there will be multiple sightings of DKL scurrying through the lobby of the Polynesian Resort squeezing his cheeks with a newspaper under his arm. By the third morning, I expect to be on a first-name basis with the restroom attendants.

And these people - my in-laws - are old, mind you. They snore. They will probably have a lot of unusual toiletries displayed on the vanity that will cause me to become uncomfortable with a mere glance. My father-in-law has to sleep hooked up to machines because of sleep apnea.

"Your dad has to check that machine of his onto the plane?" I asked.

"Of course he does," My Director responded. "If he doesn't have it he could stop breathing and die." Well that would spoil the vacation, now wouldn't it?

Yes it was my idea. To save money... and it did. Saved us thousands. My Director was the one who hesitated. "Really?" She asked while checking my forehead for signs of fever. "Absolutely," I said without pause. "If you want the pricey resort we're staying in one room."

After the trip was booked and we enjoyed some birthday cake in honor of my father-in-law's 64th, Peanut asked for more ice cream. My mother-in-law, forever the chronic spoiler, automatically chimed in with an instant, "Oh, sure." Of course. Why shouldn't she have more ice cream? It is her birthright, after all.

"Disney ought to be a blast," I deadpanned.

Then, overcompensating, my mother-in-law, suggested, "Maybe I shouldn't go."

That's not going to happen.

What the hell was I thinking?

Maybe I'll just sleep by the pool.

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When Will I Be Loved?

"Don't demand respect as a parent. Demand civility and insist on honesty. But respect is something you must earn... with kids as well as with adults." - William Attwood

Mommy's girl

I am NOT my daughter's favorite parent. Not even close. To be honest, I'm lucky that I'm in the top two. But I am a distant second to my wife.

That's right. Any notions I or anyone else may have had about Peanut being a "daddy's girl" were false.

It's all about mommy.

Mommy gets to hold her hand. Mommy gets to carry her around. Mommy gets to cuddle on the couch. Mommy mommy mommy.

The lengths I go to win her affection

There are no piggy back rides, no sitting on daddy's shoulders at the Boardwalk, no sitting on my lap anywhere. Ever. 

Despite my best efforts to get in on the action, Peanut for the most part just won't have it. And forcing her on me makes it seem like a punishment. "Let daddy help you or else?" Um... no. The road to affection was not paved with ultimatums.

We have our moments...if I give her soda

And when mommy's working late, or has to leave on an errand, what's the first thing she tells me? That's right... "Daddy, I miss mommy."

I can't really blame her. Mommy is awesome. She's tender, caring, understanding, patient and just plain great at being a mom. The best I've seen. I just wish I could help.

I got a taste of what it might be like to be the preferred parent when we had one of Peanut's friends over for a play date. She'd climb on my lap without thinking twice, hold my hand without protest, laughed at all of my jokes, listened when I asked her or told her to do something. That is, the friend did those things. It lasted three hours.

My queen and my princess

My wife is gracious in victory and says it will be my turn to be the favorite parent if we ever have a second child. Fine. I'll wait.

Later that night, we had a movie night. We made popcorn, turned off all the lights, and picked a movie none of us had seen from Netflix. Again, it was all mommy. She wants to sit with mommy, share a drink with mommy, eat popcorn with mommy. I laid down my head near Peanut's feet, and she quietly protested by extending her legs to shove me out of the way. We corrected her. She stopped. She relented.

A rare chance to carry her

Minutes later, unprovoked and unexpected, she wrapped her arms around my head and gave me a very sweet kiss. A rush of pride, gratitude, and satisfaction consumed me. Just a little reminder that of course my daughter loves me.

I know she does. In fact, when I'm the one who's not home my wife insists that Peanut feeds her the same line she feeds me. "I miss daddy." I have no reason to doubt that.

So yes... until a second comes along, I'll gladly take what I can get.

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