The Empire Strikes Back

"If I ever lose my faith in you, there'd be nothing left for me to do." -Sting

We started with a couch. A three-seater sofa. That's the first thing My Director and I owned together. We took a major plunge, moving in together after she graduated from college. My dad and I picked it up from the furniture store in my hometown. When we got back to my parents' house, I called her on the old land line. (Cell phones weren't quite a thing yet in 1999.)

There's the old couch. in the middle of
our old condo.

"This is it," I told her. "We're building our Empire."

Our Empire. I have always referred to our life as that. I haven't shared that on this blog until now. We've built quite the little Empire in the fourteen years since we bought that couch, if I do say so myself. But it all began with that couch, which first sat in our one-bedroom roach motel of a railroad apartment.

It moved everywhere with us over the years. Two apartments, a condo, and our house. We had to get rid of it last year. It was getting pretty beaten up. Had our basement not been wet at the time, we could have stored it down there. That would have been nice. As much as you tell yourself you don't want to become attached to things, this couch was special. It represented the start of our Empire.

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Is College Worth It?

Peanut's first year of Kindergarten is coming to an end soon. Another school year behind her, if you include daycare. Twelve more years to go. So many things still to come. So many more milestones and memories. Firsts and lasts. Yet, there's something else that keeps popping up in the back of my mind. It's nagging me like a piece of prosciutto stuck in my tooth. I'm worried about college. Yes, college. Specifically, paying for college It's something every parent thinks about, worries about, frets over, from almost the moment of conception. Now that Peanut's actual education is underway, I feel the savings clock is ticking. And it frightens the hell out of me.

A recent study by Fidelity Investments shows most families fall far short - not even 25% - of the money it takes to pay for their child's college education. It shows parents don't do enough to save for college, or they wait too long. I must admit that My Director and I are in the same boat. More than six years into our daughter's life, we haven't put away nearly as much as we would have hoped, or thought we would have by now. Things always come up. Bills, debt, home improvements, illnesses, job changes, a life-saving surgery for our dog. Even vacations, because sometimes you have to actually enjoy life. So the issue isn't as clear cut as the black-and-white facts and figures of a study. 

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Why Rent When You Can Borrow?

I'm not sure why it took us so long to catch on to this. Uh, hello? Why rent movies from the cable company or wade through the endless sea of dreck that Netflix calls its children's collection? Why consume precious DVR space with movies you must "save until I delete," when they're wonderfully cost neutral and gigabyte free at the library? My Director and I have taken some serious steps to trim the budge recently. And here's one way that I am sure you are aware of, yet might not take advantage of.

We do one a week, because that's the maximum amount of time the library lets you borrow. That's actually great because just when you're getting tired of the repetition of the same movie over and over, the clock strikes twelve and it turns into a pumpkin. (See what I did there?) We're also lucky because the selection at our town library is pretty great. Here are some of the highlights:

Alice in Wonderland: It was nice to show Peanut a Disney movie about a little girl who wasn't a princess. But I have to tell you, I still have no freaking idea what the hell this movie is about. (Or the book, for that mater.) And I've seen it at least a dozen times. It's just nonsense. I have a pretty vivid imagination, but I just don't get it. Although, I am not a five year-old. So I guess the nonsense makes sense to Peanut because she loved it. But it gave me a headache. However, I do now sing, "A Very Merry Un-birthday" regularly. That always gets the laughs. So there's a silver lining.

Mary Poppins: We all loved this movie. The songs alone make it great. And all of the things that Mary brings: imagination, wonder, laughter. What I didn't realize after not having seen it in quite some time was that when you look past the spoonfuls of sugar and Chim-chim-Churoos, this movie is essentially about a dad and his kids. And at the end, the dad realizes it's more important to spend time with them than it is to spend time at work. Something I realized a long time ago, thankfully.

Pinocchio: Hands down, this is my all-time favorite Disney movie. (Read: I'm Italian.) I must admit, this movie introduces some themes that you probably wouldn't find in a children's movie nowadays. Like smoking and underage drinking. And Jiminy Cricket, while serving as Pinocchio's conscience, is a bit of a ladies' man. Or at least he tries to be. Despite all of the above, Pinocchio remains my favorite because of the simple premise of going after a dream and failing, but not giving up the pursuit. I also love the music in this one. Also, no mention of this movie is complete without my also pointing out that My Director often acts as my conscience, to great success:

I usually let my conscience be my guide.

We also borrowed Return of Jafar, the sequel to Aladdin. If you haven't heard of it before, there's a reason. You can do better. But Peanut picked the movie that week. So we suffered. It has nothing Aladdin has, and less. Another week she picked The AristoCats, which was a pleasant surprise. It's a buddy movie where a stray alley cat helps a rich cat family get home. But you need to explain the issues of wealth, wills, and a greedy butler who tries to off the cats to get the money.

But you don't have to go to such sinister lengths for a few bucks. Check out your local library and borrow a "new" movie. Your kids won't care if it's free. Or 50 years old, for that matter.

We did splurge and took Peanut to see "Brave" this summer. Twice. It was worth it, as I wrote here.

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The First Rant of Christmas

"I want the world. I want the whole world." -Veruca Salt

I read a news story today that said half of Americans fear they can't afford Christmas. That's sad and unfortunate. We are still living in tough economic times, despite reports of stellar Black Friday and Cyber Monday sales. But on the other hand, the top gift requested by children aged 6 to 12 is an iPad. Maybe I'm being old-fashioned, but I also find that sad and unfortunate.

Let's be clear: This is MY toy

As the dad of a 4 year-old girl, I  hope we're not staring at the ghost of Christmas future here. In just two short years, will the Peanut really be requesting high-priced electronic gadgets from Santa? Ya know what? If she does, she's going to be sorely disappointed. And if she insists, I might just smack her with MY iPad. (That's not true. I'd never do anything to hurt my precious... iPad.)

Why would the Peanut, or any child who is not at least in high school, need an iPad of their own? Peanut has a folder full of apps, games, and books on mine. She plays with it regularly. However, she knows it's MINE. She ASKS to play with it every time. In fact, she even asks, "Daddy may I play with YOUR iPad?" This teaches her sharing, cooperation, responsibility, and respect. Very important lessons for any child, especially an only child.

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A Fool and His Money

"The truest characters of ignorance are vanity and pride and arrogance." -Samuel Butler

You have GOT to be kidding me.

I have a new group of people who need a punch in the face. No... they don't need a punch in the face. They need a punch in the stomach, the two clenched fists in the back while they are bending over in pain, and a kick to the ribs while they're laying on the ground screaming in agony.

You know who deserves this treatment? Rich a$$holes who not only shell out exorbitant amounts of money for boutique, private school day cares, but have the unmitigated nerve to complain about the cost and the hassle of filling out the applications and going through the interviews.

In the past two months, I have overheard two people at work doing this. And it makes me sick. They mention it casually, then humble brag. You know what humble brag is, right? Complaining about something while you're really bragging about it?. Like saying, "Ugh I have to do all this packing for my two week trip to Paris... such a pain."

F*ck. You.

And f*ck these stupid rich a$$holes who burn their money on $40,000 a year DAY CARE. Not school. Day. Care. 40 grand.  Makes me sick.

Please don't get me wrong... I do not begrudge the rich. I am a capitalist at heart who believes that most people earn what they have and deserve to keep as much of it as possible.

But I also think WASTING money is a disgrace. A sin even. And spending that kind of money on daycare is a waste and a disgrace. It makes me so angry my sternum hurts.

My wife and I spend about $1,500 a MONTH on daycare. That's a lot of money... and Peanut is only in for three days a week. But if you do the math, it's a reasonable hourly rate.

This year, the price goes up because she is required to go five days a week for pre-K. It is, in our opinion, the best daycare around. The one where we felt she was safest and would receive the most attention and have the most fun. Is it worth it? Who the hell knows? That's the going rate for good, convenient child care in my town. Once again, capitalism wins.

But don't you dare sit there, and shake your head in annoyance and tell ME how ridiculous it is to fill out the applications and jump through the hoops of these interviews for a day care... for an 18 MONTH OLD child. You. F*cking. Stupid. Rich. A$$hole. This is your choice. Your arrogant, dumba$$ choice.

A co-worker of mine who was ranting with me about this said it best: These people do this not because they have to, but because they want to. They are blinded by the status of living in New York (or any other trendy metropolitan area). They feel maintaining that status and lifestyle is more important than what truly is best for their children. Having multiple kids and being able to live in New York is a sign of wealth. And these shallow d-bags will do anything to keep up that appearance.

I truly believe the care the Peanut is getting at a fraction of the cost is just as good if not better than what these rich a$$holes are buying for their kids.

Folks, we are raising a generation of d-bags, and this is one example of how we're doing it. What do you say to a child who eventually finds out his or her parents are shelling out that kind of money for daycare? For a status symbol?

Money isn't child's play

What next? A Bentley Big Wheel? Flying the kid and all of his snot-nosed daycare friends to Disney World for his fourth birthday?

How about giving me the 40 grand? I'll pay off this year's daycare bill and put the rest away for ALMOST a semester of college for the Peanut. You jerkoff. I WISH I had your problems.

My wife and I both make very good salaries. We both work because we want to, but more because we both HAVE to. While we chose to live in a town that is expensive, because of the schools and the commutability to the city, we recognize that was our choice. That doesn't mean we don't second guess our decision every time a problem pops up in the house and we have no disposable money to pay for it. (Hello, home equity line!)

We're looking forward to next year when the Peanut starts Kindergarten - in public schools (Hello, high property taxes) - so we can be rid of the day care bill.

Then again, we're planning on having a second by then...

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Shakedown Street

"Don't tell me this town ain't got no heart. You just gotta poke around." -The Grateful Dead

Enough. I'm talking to you, daycare. Enough.

We chose you because you're the best daycare in town. And your prices reflect that, and so does our daughter's enjoyment of her time there. But just stop it. Stop asking me for money.

It seems every time I walk in the door, there's a table set up and someone's trying to sell me something. Bake sales, raffles, book fairs. I know, these things raise money for the daycare or for charity. But I don't have a lot of discretionary income. And that's difficult to explain to a 4 year-old who knows there are cupcakes to buy when you pick her up.

I can live with the bake sale. They practically give this stuff away. I remember walking away with three cupcakes and four cookies for like $3.50 the last time. I gave them a five and told them to keep the change, big deal that I am. "Get a little something nice for yourselves, ladies," as I wink at them and shoot them the old finger gun. 

The raffle WAS for charity, after all. And they did have a bunch of differently themed gift baskets donated, so I wasn't really mad at that. I was mad that I didn't win. And I recently wrote about the book fair, where my daughter asked for three books and a twatty mom judged me for saying yes.

But what happened right before the school year ended was the final straw. A couple of kids and their moms had set up a jewelry sale. Homemade jewelry... by the kids. As soon as I walked in the door, they bombarded me. I tried to play the rushed, stressed, I-gotta-go parent and pretend not to have the time or inclination for such things.

I thought I had pulled it off thanks to my sly routine of going upstairs to get all of my daughter's stuff first, then going outside to get her from the playground, and then straight to the car.

But as we walked to the car, my daughter stopped dead in her tracks.

"Daddy, there's jewelry."

She remembered, or was told, and I couldn't pivot away from it. 

"Sweetie, we don't need jewelry."

"Yes I do." She was so certain.

So I made her promise that if I had bought her jewelry she had to be a good girl and listen and eat all of her dinner and not cry. Being that this was the first time I was seeing her all day, I had no basis for any reward. She could have punched a kid in the face that day for all I knew and here I was about to buy her jewelry.

My only option was to reward possible future activity. Basically, I was giving her this jewelry on credit.

The $10 necklace, marked down to $6

Once inside, she proceeded to choose what turned out to be the most expensive item they had to offer. It was retailing for a whopping $10. Ten bucks! I was unable to hide neither my surprise nor my displeasure at the price of this homemade necklace. I tried, but failed, to convince my daughter to buy something less expensive.

"This bracelet's nice and it's only $3."

She wasn't buying.

One of the moms then told her daughter, the capitalist behind this operation, "Maybe it's time we reduce the prices. It's getting close to closing time." I managed to haggle my way down to six bucks.

On the car ride home, I shook my head in disapproval to myself. I thought what nerve they had setting up a jewelry sale like that. And for what? Themselves? Obnoxious.

That night I voiced my aggravation to my wife. I told her I was going to write a blog about it and call it "Shakedown Street."

"Please don't," she pleaded. "Some of those moms might read it and then they (really) won't like you."

I relented. So why are you reading about it anyway? Because the next day my wife sent me a link to a story on a local website about how those kids were raising money for Relay for Life.

You know who's obnoxious? Me.

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