Man Cold: The Next Pandemic

This is no laughing matter. Despite the efforts of wives and significant female others across this country to sweep a growing health problem under the rug, I am not afraid to speak out on behalf of my gender.

The warnings were there

Man Cold is here, it is serious, and it needs to be stopped. Research funding needs to be reallocated before it’s too late. We already know from The Walking Dead that the CDC has no answer for the coming zombie apocalypse. (That show should serve as an instructional video and not just as a cautionary tale.) But at least we know Man Cold is here, now. So it’s time to stop ignoring it. It’s time to stop kidding ourselves. It’s time to act.

Take me, for example. I have been sick since Wednesday… last Wednesday for crying out loud. I’ve taken a sick day from work, spent virtually an entire weekend in my pajamas, have been in bed by 8:30 most nights, drugged myself with NyQuill, Tylenol Cold, Afrin, and Ibuprofen. I’m drinking plenty of fluids. I haven’t blogged in a week. (Yet despite my weakened condition, I’ve managed to fire off this little ditty for you. You’re welcome.) I haven’t worked out or run in almost two weeks. I had to call out sick on a day I had a job interview for Godsakes. What the hell is wrong with me?

This is me, sick and angry, making my family a
delicious frittata while they lounge on the couch

And I’m still waking up every morning with a peach pit-sized ball of mucus in my throat. I still sound like my grandma Sylvia, with her hacking nicotine cough. And another thing: tea? Soothes the sore throat, sure. But it also clears up the internal plumbing a lot faster and more effectively than coffee, if you know what I mean. This would be welcome news if I were in fact having issues in that department. So add that symptom to the sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, and stuffy head. (No fever.)

I must say, Mucinex has been a Godsend. It has even inspired a new term for my Man Cold vocabulary: “Gary Mucey.” That’s who I sound like when I try to speak before the Mucinex has kicked in:

An amusing side effect.
Unlike what I get with the tea.

To dismiss or laugh off the Man Cold Pandemic would be a huge mistake and have serious repercussions for our economy. Heck, for our society. You can’t have babies without men, ladies… yet. So we can’t keep populating the world and blogging about it unless we eradicate this horrible disease.

My therapy puppy

You know who’s taking this seriously? Luna, my loyal and loving little dog. Staying by my side as I lay on the couch. Joining me when I go upstairs to the bedroom for a nap. And Peanut too. Taking a break from playing Candy Land with My Director - who laughs at me - to gently kiss me on my forehead as I nap. She even pretended to play as me, green gingerbread man and all, as I slept. And every night when we put her to sleep, she tells me, “I hope you feel better, daddy.” Such hope. Such awareness. Such concern.

We need more women like Peanut in this world. Women who will see that men are not overreacting when we’re sick. We really feel this badly. And don’t give me this nonsense about how men are such babies when they're sick, proving  they could never handle childbirth if they had to. You ladies get an epidural. What do we get? Over-the-counter drugs that simply treat the symptoms, not the debilitating virus that fuels them.

Well, it’s time. Time to move toward a viable treatment. A vaccine. A cure. Are we being babies? Maybe. But keep this up, and there won’t be any babies anymore.

Cure Man Cold. Our future depends on it. Until then, I'm gonna take another nap.

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Prepare Yourself

"Without other people, we might as well be zombies." -from Zombieland

It's just a matter of time. It's inevitable, really. So you need to be ready. Still, you can plan all you want and when it does come, you can expect the unexpected. Because no amount of planning can prepare you for what's about to happen. And when it does happen - and it will - you have no choice but to deal with it the best you can. Do everything you can to survive.

Do you know what I am referring to?

I'm talking about two things, actually: having babies and fighting zombies.

Right now, both topics are front and center with me and my wife. That's how I came to recognize the eerie similarities. Think about it. You can read all you want on the topic, talk to as many experts as possible, watch training videos, and nothing can prepare you for the intense drama of the actual event.

They're both messy, dangerous, and unpredictable. Literally a sh!tshow.

We are scared of both. Well, I am scared of both. My wife isn't nearly as concerned about the zombie apocalypse as I am. Thus, I am more and more resigned to the fact that she will most likely be zombie fodder rather quickly when the time comes. She's actually told me she's ok with that. She says she doesn't want to live in a world that's overrun by zombies. So the love of my life is basically going to force me to make the painful decision to shoot her in her zombie head once she turns. Nice.

I told her I am a fighter. That I would do everything I could to survive, and to protect our family. I would turn our minivan into a zombie killer on wheels. But I also recognize the Peanut could be a potential liability. Her inability to be quiet when we need her to be will undoubtedly attract unwanted attention. As can her stubborn refusal to listen to simple commands on occasion, like leaving the lights off. All I need is for her to be in a difficult mood while a swarm of zombies is hovering outside of our quiet, dark, well-stocked hideout. This is why I am also sure Luna, who barks every time she hears something - anything - outside of our door might not make it very long, either. She's dead weight, and probably a goner. Sad.

Zombies are fresh on my mind because the second season of The Walking Dead premieres tomorrow night. I will have to DVR it because it is on past my bedtime. And because my wife is a scaredy cat, I will need to watch it when she isn't around. I told her we need to watch it together, as a study guide. She's a doubter who is not sold on the possibility (I say probability) of the zombie apocalypse. She's going to be very sorry one day.

But until that day, we continue to plan and worry about having a second child. A child that will once again turn us into zombies. It's inevitable.

But just for the record, there is no baby yet. Or zombie apocalypse, for that matter.

I linked this post to the Zombie Tuesday blog hop at Motherhood Truth. Click to check it out:

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THE PEANUT GALLERY: Ghosts of Halloween Past Costume Contest

We've had some great Halloween parties over the years. And we take our costumes very seriously. The first year, we think was our most clever:

2001: Retired Vampire and Old Bat

Then there was the year we shocked everyone with our innuendo: 

2003: Plug and Socket

A lot of people still talk about what was probably our most ridiculous:

2004: Deviled Egg and Spicy Chicken

Then there was the year this happened:

2007: TomKat

Yeah, I went full "Risky Business:"

Very Risky

Of course, that was also the year we were blessed with Suri.. I mean Peanut. We landed on the cover of Vanity Fair:

From then on, it's been all about the Peanut:

2007: Peacock

2008: Cowgirl and her Trusty Steed

2009: Butcher, Baker, and what we made

2010: Jessie and Woody

Last year we broke away from the Peanut and went off on our own again. We were Sammi and Ronnie from "Jersey Shore:"

Yes, she's wearing a wig. And I got a spray tan

Those weren't all of them, just the best. So what was YOUR best costume from years past? Think about it, and enter the first ever giveaway on DKL.

Submit your picture by posting it on the DKL Facebook page. But your work is not done there. You need to get your friends to "LIKE" your picture. My wife and I will choose the winner from the FIVE pictures with the MOST "likes" by the deadline. You have until Monday October 10 at NOON eastern. Winner will be announced on the Facebook page later that night. One picture per person.



The winner gets Last Night on Earth: The Zombie Game, courtesy of the cool folks over at Think Geek. 

You can play as the humans or the zombie hoard. It even comes with a CD of zombie music. This is the kind of prize my wife and I would get for the costume contest at our Halloween parties. So we're psyched to be able to offer it on DKL. (We'd also offer some sort of liquor bottle as the grand prize, but shipping alcohol is a hassle.)

So dig through the archives, post your picture, and get as many likes as you can all week. We'll announce the winner Monday night. Good luck!

Note: Your pictures are YOURS. DKL will not keep them or use them in any way. And we'll remove them from the page if you wish once the contest is over.

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