That's Not a Toy

"In spite of the six thousand manuals on child raising, it's still a dark continent and no one really knows anything. You just need a lot of love and luck. And, of course, courage." - Bill Cosby

There are times when your child says something so ridiculous, you can't help but laugh. But sometimes you laugh, and then you worry. You do a double take. You say, "Wait...What?"

And so the Peanut said something so outrageous, so outlandish, so out-of-the-blue bizarre, I was compelled to call my mother-in-law to offer an unsolicited explanation. Because, you know, me and my MIL are phone buddies. We chat all the time about sports, politics, knitting, our much-anticipated family trip to Disney. Not only did I feel the need to justify myself to her after what Peanut had said, I thought I may need an attorney.

Luna's cow will play the part of Peanut

Our story begins one night a few weeks ago. While we were all upstairs changing into our pajamas, Peanut grabbed a small plush toy drum that has attached drumsticks. She then proceeded to dangle it between her legs and say, "Look, daddy, it's my penis."

Wait... What?

For the record, My Director and I don't exactly flaunt our business in front of Peanut, but we don't hide it either. We laughed, then explained once again about penises and vaginas. But like a little honey badger, Peanut didn't care. She didn't give sh1t. Thus, for the remainder of the evening, she decided to endow herself with a toy drum penis.


What am I more worried about? That she thinks a penis is a toy, or that she thinks a toy is a penis? I have to admit... she gets bonus points for creativity.

The incident was never mentioned again. Until...

Fast forward to yesterday morning. My mother-in-law had stayed the night to spend some time with Peanut. Once a month or so (that's plenty) she picks up Peanut from school early, they spend the afternoon together, and she sleeps over.

Pink Wii controller penis

She was trying to wrangle her into her jacket to take her to school. That's when Peanut grabbed her pink Wii controller, struck a sultry pose on the arm of the couch, and proudly stated, "Look, (Grandma), it's my penis!"

Now, my mother-in-law is a bit conservative when it comes to such vocabulary. She is on record as being against our use of "penis" and "vagina," even though that's what those things are. (Don't get me started.)

"Sweetie," she said. "We don't talk about our private parts like that."

"It's ok. Me and daddy play this game all the time."

Wait... What?

As My Director is telling me this story, we're laughing of course. But after the hysteria died down I still needed some reassurance. 


"You did tell your mom there's no penis game, right?"

"No. I don't think I did."

"You didn't? Did she sound concerned? Or was she laughing?"

"Well, she didn't sound concerned but...you know how she is."

"Yeah. I do. Get her on the phone."

She dialed since I was still cleaning the pots from dinner. (Yes I cook AND clean. I'm a catch, ladies.) I squeezed the phone between my ear and shoulder as it rang more times than I had expected. Now I'm thinking... "Uh oh. Is she avoiding the call? Am I going to have to leave my explanation on their machine?"

Finally she picked up.

"Mom, it's me," I said trying to suppress laughter. "I just want to be clear." I couldn't do it. So with an audible smile I said, "There is no penis game."

How many guys have said that to their mother-in-law and meant it? Thankfully she didn't need much convincing and we all had another good laugh.

Now I have to worry about Peanut repeating the same thing at school and child services knocking on my door.