Friday, August 23, 2013

Along Came a Spider

What's the big deal about spiders, anyway? I'm ambivalent towards them. No issues. No phobia. Sure, I think they're kinda gross. But they do serve a purpose. A pretty important one, too. Like controlling the housefly population.

So I am here to announce that I am decidedly PRO spider. Despite My Director's objections. Just another thing we disagree on. (Many political issues too. But that's a subject for another blog post. One that will never be written. But I digress...)

Spiders. They're creepy but cool. And definitely bad-a$$. I've never advocated killing spiders just because they were there. Or "gross." After all, should we just arbitrarily kill anything we consider ugly? Or scary? Especially, or because, we are so much bigger and stronger than they? I say, emphatically, no. Although, I must admit, I have acquiesced to My Director's blood-curdling request many times in the past to ensure peace in my home and stability in my marriage.

But no more. I'm taking a stand. The spidercide stops now, despite My Director's pleas. Miss Muffett can find another tuffet on which to sit and eat her kurds and whey. (Who eats that anyway?)

The rest of spiderdom has this gal to thank:

She is SO cool.

We call her Arachnus Deathacus, inspired by the hilarious MegaMind:


I have been caught in the web of Arachnus Deathacus several times, flailing and whining my way out while frantically cleaning the cobwebs out of my hair and off my face. Every night and morning for three straight days while taking the dogs in the backyard to conduct their business, in fact. But Arachnus Deathacus was undeterred. Spinning her web again and again. Catching unsuspecting prey, whether insect or human. I had met my match, and I was impressed. While I technically might not be afraid of Arachnus Deathacus, I still respect her power and skill. 

I am fascinated by her. Every night after she's spun her web, I go out there to check her out, and see what she's caught. She's a beast. And thanks to her, there are fewer flies and mosquitoes in the backyard. They're the real menace. Them I kill without a second thought.

My Director has even come around, allowing Arachnus Deathacuse to stay. She knows I won't kill it. And I know she's too chicken to try to do it herself. 
"What if Arachnus Deathacus gets in the house and tries to eat one of us?" She asks.
This was actually the start of a head-on-the-pillow delay-my-slumber conversation one night.

Another night she offered:
"I feel like one day she's going to scoop up one of the dogs."
That woud be heartbreaking, yet at the same time, kind of awesome. Luckily, Arachnus Deathacus only comes out at night. So Peanut is unaware of her size and strength. Of her massive web and nightly feasts. Today we spotted her sleeping, in a corner of the house by the gutter. She looks docile, angelic, harmless.

She IS harmless, for crying out loud. Everyone needs to relax. Enough with the spidercide. If you don't comply, just you wait. Arachnus Deathacus is gonna have babies some day soon. And I'm gonna send them to your house. 

While I am not afraid of spiders, I AM afraid of heights. I wrote about showing Peanut that I can overcome that fear HERE.

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