The Second, Third, and Fourth Rants of Christmas

When I wrote my First Rant of Christmas earlier this month, I honestly had no intention of writing eleven more. I was simply employing what I thought was a clever reference to "The Twelve Days of Christmas." But after these three quick, unplanned rants on things that have popped into my mind over the past few days, I am one third of the way to twelve. Behold, a Christmas miracle.

So without further ado, and no plans to add to this list as of this writing (subject to change), I give you:

Gross and outrageous

The Second Rant of Christmas: There are two popular Christmas songs I can't tolerate. First, I Saw Mommy Kising Santa Claus. This is disgusting. I am, quite simply, appalled. The child who is singing this song has no idea that "Santa Claus" is actually his dad. In fact, I didn't know that Santa was supposedly the boy's dad until a couple of years ago. So as far as this kid knows, two of the heroes in his world - his mom and Santa - are committing a vile betrayal of trust. His mom is an adulterous whore. Santa is a horny sleazebag. Nice. Merry Christmas.

She seems to be getting home just fine.

The Third Rant of Christmas: The other popular song I despise is Baby It's Cold Outside, aka the date rape song. There is nothing festive and charming about date rape. Yet, you hear it on the radio all of the time. Recently even the mellow and beloved James Taylor (of whom I am a fan) covered it. The guy in this song can't seem to take no for an answer. No means no, buddy. She insists she has to go. She invokes every excuse in the book. It's getting late. She's tired. She even says her dad would be worried. When a girl invokes worried dad, you back off. Here's a warning for any potential dates for my daughter: if I ever find out you were giving her this hard a time while she was trying to leave, I will drive to your house in the snowstorm and punch you in the face. Season's Greetings.

Santa Douche with Rudy

The Fourth Rant of Christmas: My last rant - for now - may be my most controversial. Here goes: I think the popular cartoon verion of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer contains a terrible message. Yes, I am talking about the classic, beloved Rankin-Bass cartoon featuring the Land of Misfit Toys and Yukon Cornelius. In the song, all of the other reindeer laughed and called him names. And they didn't let Rudolph join in any reindeer games. While that's all mean, it's part of growing up. We have to deal with the jerks of the world no matter how old we are. Fine. All portrayed accurately in the show.

But where in the book or the song was Santa such an intolerant a$$hole? Wouldn't Santa defend a reindeer that was picked on? Instead, he joins in. Wouldn't he comfort that reindeer's parents who are worried about their "special" fawn? Instead, he urges them to hide his "deformity." This is conduct unbecoming a leader, let alone a symbol of Christmas. And then when Santa needs him most, when Christmas is in peril, who does he turn to for help? Rudolph. The guy he had no use for until now. I am thankful the Peanut doesn't like this cartoon because she finds the Abominable Snow Beast to be too scary. I don't like it because I find Santa to be douchey. Ho Ho Ho yourself.

There you have it. Three more quick rants, fresh from the mind of DKL. Agree or disagree. Either way, have yourself a merry little Christmas.

If you missed my first rant of Christmas, click here to read it.