Saturday, December 10, 2011

The Second, Third, and Fourth Rants of Christmas

When I wrote my First Rant of Christmas earlier this month, I honestly had no intention of writing eleven more. I was simply employing what I thought was a clever reference to "The Twelve Days of Christmas." But after these three quick, unplanned rants on things that have popped into my mind over the past few days, I am one third of the way to twelve. Behold, a Christmas miracle.

So without further ado, and no plans to add to this list as of this writing (subject to change), I give you:

Gross and outrageous
The Second Rant of Christmas: There are two popular Christmas songs I can't tolerate. First, I Saw Mommy Kising Santa Claus. This is disgusting. I am, quite simply, appalled. The child who is singing this song has no idea that "Santa Claus" is actually his dad. In fact, I didn't know that Santa was supposedly the boy's dad until a couple of years ago. So as far as this kid knows, two of the heroes in his world - his mom and Santa - are committing a vile betrayal of trust. His mom is an adulterous whore. Santa is a horny sleazebag. Nice. Merry Christmas.

She seems to be getting home just fine.
The Third Rant of Christmas: The other popular song I despise is Baby It's Cold Outside, aka the date rape song. There is nothing festive and charming about date rape. Yet, you hear it on the radio all of the time. Recently even the mellow and beloved James Taylor (of whom I am a fan) covered it. The guy in this song can't seem to take no for an answer. No means no, buddy. She insists she has to go. She invokes every excuse in the book. It's getting late. She's tired. She even says her dad would be worried. When a girl invokes worried dad, you back off. Here's a warning for any potential dates for my daughter: if I ever find out you were giving her this hard a time while she was trying to leave, I will drive to your house in the snowstorm and punch you in the face. Season's Greetings.

Santa Douche with Rudy
The Fourth Rant of Christmas: My last rant - for now - may be my most controversial. Here goes: I think the popular cartoon verion of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer contains a terrible message. Yes, I am talking about the classic, beloved Rankin-Bass cartoon featuring the Land of Misfit Toys and Yukon Cornelius. In the song, all of the other reindeer laughed and called him names. And they didn't let Rudolph join in any reindeer games. While that's all mean, it's part of growing up. We have to deal with the jerks of the world no matter how old we are. Fine. All portrayed accurately in the show.

But where in the book or the song was Santa such an intolerant a$$hole? Wouldn't Santa defend a reindeer that was picked on? Instead, he joins in. Wouldn't he comfort that reindeer's parents who are worried about their "special" fawn? Instead, he urges them to hide his "deformity." This is conduct unbecoming a leader, let alone a symbol of Christmas. And then when Santa needs him most, when Christmas is in peril, who does he turn to for help? Rudolph. The guy he had no use for until now. I am thankful the Peanut doesn't like this cartoon because she finds the Abominable Snow Beast to be too scary. I don't like it because I find Santa to be douchey. Ho Ho Ho yourself.

There you have it. Three more quick rants, fresh from the mind of DKL. Agree or disagree. Either way, have yourself a merry little Christmas.

If you missed my first rant of Christmas, click here to read it.


  1. I love all the dysfunction of these songs. I hope they never change. Nostalgia requires a little dysfunction for me. Otherwise what would you rant about? Funny!

  2. LOVE IT DKL!! The date rape song!!! (LOL) I hate that song too. Posted about it once...something to the effect of blowing my brains out if I heard it again.

    Well done!!

  3. I have a lot of issues with Christmas shows... I can't into them all here but the gist of it is all of them are telling a child to believe in Santa. Why wouldn't a kid believe, they have no reason not to? It's these shows that I think put the shadow of a doubt in their minds. I don't know how many more years I can keep up this ruse.

  4. I agree with you, especially about the cold outside song. Definitely think you have some valid points.
    Right now i'm kind of weirded out by the "favorite things" song. I don't know who sings it, but it's not Julie Andrews, and it is a man. Singing about "Girls in white dresses??" dodgy

  5. Never liked the first and second too! Bet most dads won't like the second if they have.Adding two more to the list: MY Not so favs
    1) Grandma got run over by a Riendeer by Randy Brooks. What's to like abt a poor boozy grandma who decides to walk home and gets run over ?
    2) Don't They know it's Christmas Time by Band Aid. Puts a damper on Christmas I think !

  6. Sentence got cut off... meant dads wont like that song if they had girls ! .. and reindeer got spelled wrong! Sorry ! It never let me edit ??

  7. Haha, love the Christmas rants! I am seriously Loling (don't tell Majaski) at the "date rape" song. Date rape is not a laughing matter, but you are right, that guy is relentless. The Dolly Parton/Rod Stewart version makes me stabby.

  8. Who knew? I mean who knew? I was just singing along all these years. . .

  9. Some laugh out loud moments here. Thanks. I agree especially with the rant about Santa in the Rudolph movie.

  10. You know... I never looked that deeply into that song, Baby It's Cold Outside. Now I feel dirty in a holiday sort of way.

    Keep the rants coming. Funny stuff!

  11. Aw, I love the Rudolf movie. Poor Santa. I guess he gave in to deer pressure. ;)

  12. Great post! I literally laughed out loud a few times. I agree especially with the Rudolph rant.

  13. I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus has always bothered me for that reason!!!!

    For Love of Cupcakes

  14. See this? I find out, Cari. No matter where you go I'm there.

    I like the date rape song because of ELF and in the movie it's even worse because a large overgrown elf is singing it outside of a showering unaware girl. Cracks me up every time.

    Now that I think about it, I should probably pay more attention to subliminal messages.

  15. HAHAHAHA! ELF Stalker! Christina you're comment stalker.

  16. I totally agree about Santa in Rudolph. He is so mean to him! And I feel bad for Hermie, too. Being a dentist is an honorable profession, but because he's an elf he's a total outcast because he doesn't want to build toys? Those elves obviously know nothing of the intricacies of dental training.

    Thanks so much for the condolences. I really do appreciate it.

  17. First 2 I agree with. Last one, I never paid much attention, but I guess you are right. Still love the show though!


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