Sunday, October 30, 2011

Count the Similarities

"When I'm alone, I count myself. One Count." -Count von Count, Sesame Street

I have a cool job. I am a television news producer at a national financial network. Naturally when I tell people, they are curious. They want to know the behind-the-scenes gossip. "What is so-and-so like off camera?"

I am lying to them. Kind of. That's because I am a vampire. Yes... a vampire. Mwahaha. I am a producer... but for The Count. That's right... this guy:

So yes, I work in television. And yes, I work in news, in that I am providing essential information in an interesting way and with a certain, shall we say, spin. And being that my portion of the show involves counting, I consider that financial.

Let me tell you, it is a pleasure to work with The Count. He needs very little hand holding and requires very little research. He's just that good. Trust me, I have worked with prima donnas and jerks. I could tell you stories about Count Chocula that will make you switch to Franken Berry in a heartbeat. The guy's a nightmare. Literally.

We won an Emmy for this
The Count and I just jive together. We're always looking for new and interesting ways to present the content. Using the organ in his castle to reveal the number of the day? My idea. I was also the one who said we should work with Cookie Monster and try to count apples as he's eating them. The end result was TV magic.

When we're done taping for the day, and I'm finally back at my desk, I call my wife, the Old Bat.

Rare photo of me & Old Bat: Halloween 2002
The Old Bat works full time at a local college, the Vampire College of New York. She's totally turned VCNY around. Since she took over as head of student affairs, NTDs are way down. (That's neck-transmitted diseases.) She says it's all about educating the students to use protection if they're going to bite each other. They try to promote abstinence too, but let's be honest: how many horny young vampires given the freedom of college for the first time are really going to abstain from biting?

She's now tackling the problem of  preying on the human students at NYU and Columbia. Because there are few things a young mischievous vampire loves more than liberal student blood. So sweet and idealistic.

This particular day, the Old Bat tells me she had received a call from the Peanut's daycare. One of the teachers was reporting an "incident." An incident of biting. We were so proud. And at the same time, a little sad and disappointed. We had missed her first bite.

Apparently, another boy wanted to play with a toy hearse she was playing with. When he went to grab it, the Peanut flashed her fangs and sank them into his arm.

When I shared this story with The Count he shouted, "One! One bite from the Peanut! Mwahaha!" He was so excited. Such a good guy.

Just remember: you and I - human and vampires - aren't that different after all: 

I get up before dawn and go to work in the dark. (I work an early shift.)

I spend a lot of time every day with zombies (me and my sleepy fellow commuters on the bus and train.)

At twilight I roam the Earth with an imposing, dark-haired beast. (I walk my dog, Luna.)

I am a slave to my family’s unending thirst and hunger. (I do the food shopping and cooking.)

My family has an aversion to water. (We all despise bath time.)

See? Vampires are people too.

You can read my reaction to the Peanut's REAL "biting incident" here

This was my entry for Week 7 of Blogger Idol. The assignment: a day in the life of your family if you were vampires. I thought it was fitting to save it for Halloween.


  1. Funny! And I think I can agree. Who knows? We might be tamed vampires after all.

    Now, who removed my fangs?

  2. "Because there are few things a mischievous young vampires loves more than liberal student blood"... that's funny.


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