Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Once a Fantasy

"Dream another dream. This dream is over." -Van Halen

Now for a quick lesson in fantasy versus reality. During junior high and  high school, I was big into hockey. I played regularly with my friends. We had even organized a club team. I was a rabid New Jersey Devils fan.

I was also, obviously, into girls. Girls that were mostly unattainable for a recovering fat kid like me, who as it turns out was more Duckie than Blane if we're casting for Pretty in Pink.

One of those unattainable girls I dreamed of was Alyssa Milano. I had a crush on her since the days of  "Who's the Boss." I watched her "blossom," in fact. She became the poster girl for my youth. Literally. There she was, hanging on my bedroom wall... a sexy teenager dressed in a Devils jersey holding a hockey stick:
Oh, and did I mention Italian? All grown up + hot + hockey + Devils hockey + Italian = I was in love.

The things I did to that poster, with that poster, underneath that poster.

Fast forward two decades. I don't follow hockey much anymore. No time. I did, however, follow Alyssa on Twitter for a short time. But I found her annoying. She tweeted too much and about random things and sent out a bunch of stupid links I didn't care about. I wanted to follow hockey goddess Alyssa. Not this other version. Annoying Alyssa. Anissa.

I actually STOPPED following Alyssa Milano on Twitter. It was then I realized this was pretty much the death of my boyhood fantasy.

Turns out, the girl of my dreams was annoying. Very.

Then today, more reality. Cold, hard, reality: My wife, well aware of my teenage crush, sent me an email, and loved every minute of it. She wrote one sentence:

"She is a long way from the poster in your bedroom."

And she included this picture: You have to click on this link to see it because I don't want to get sued by People Magazine or Time, Inc.

Let me be clear: I think ALL pregnant women are beautiful and ought to be canonized. My WIFE sent this to me with that comment. Any gripes you may have are with HER. But you gotta admit... she's right... especially when you factor in the annoying Twitter thing. To be fair, this is not a flattering picture of Alyssa. But no teenage boy is posterizing that pregnant pose.

And sadly, this is the final nail in the coffin of that fantasy.

*UPDATE* Alyssa had her baby, a boy named Milo Thomas. Read >more here.


  1. She was such a hottie back then, right? And I've seen a few of her tweets retweeted - they're the same inane BS we all tweet from time to time. Because we're old. And parental.

    But yeah, girl is PREGNANT, y'all. Like, whoa. Could not BE anymore pregnant.

  2. Wow...look at that fat face! She's having a girl. Girls drain every ounce of beauty their mothers have when they're pregnant!

  3. Yes...I guess the tweets are more interesting when you're interacting with the other person! And yes... she's probably as pregnant as pregnant can be. (and still beautiful). I cant quit her!!

  4. Cankles!! Justice prevails friends!!

    My teen crush was Scott Baio (slept with his friggin picture from Teen Beat ON my pillow). Met him one day in my 30s in LA at Trader Vic's (one of his hangouts). The guy was an A plus putz! (that's yiddish for dick head).

  5. Like I don't know what "putz" means?! HAHAHA Scott Baio! I wonder what his and Alyssa's babies would look like.

  6. Well at least you had some taste when your were younger mate lol, funny as hell post!

  7. You and me both. I hadn't seen that picture of her. She's still hot. Cankles or not. But she may very well be highly annoying. I hadn't been following her on Twitter.
    @DKL & MIL: Samanther Loves Chachi?

  8. Awww... poor Alyssa! She can't help how she looks while she's preggo. Enjoy reading your blogs Mr Funny Dad :o)

  9. Thanks, Coby. And yes, I feel a little bad getting laughs at Alyssa's expense. But sometimes I can't help myself. @FtB... yeah.. you're right... still hot.

  10. Her hair looks silky and healthy. It's great to see a celebrity who is known for "sexy" willing to put on weight and be seen in public. Kate Hudson is another one who knows what it's about. Not all pregnant women are beautiful; not all children are beautiful. But Milano looks happy and healthy.

    I didn't gain a lot of weight with my pregnancies, but I had terrible vein-y issues that made people ask if I'd been in a car accident. Believe me, seeing my legs at the City pool trying to survive a Brooklyn summer at 8 months pregnant was a lot scarier than chunky thighs on Milano the day she gave birth.

  11. Alas, definitely a long way from her youth...but then again, aren't we ALL that way (not preggo, but far from our youths)?!



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