Monday, August 22, 2011

Dude Looks Like a Lady

"I'm not a girl's toy. I'm not. Why do you guys keep saying that?" -Michael Keaton, in his masterful performance as Ken in Toy Story 3

There I was. Laying on the floor after another long day. I lay on the floor for several reasons. To play with the dog. To stretch out. And to cool off.

But my fun and relaxation came to an abrupt end when I innocently turned my head for what was supposed to be a split second. I couldn't believe what I was staring at. I was face-to-face with him.

He's so pretty.

And not just Ken. Buck-naked Ken.

Suddenly, I was awash in awkwardness. Partly because I couldn't take my eyes off of him. So disturbing and yet impressive at the same time. And partly because not only was I marveling at his physique, but at his situation as well.

Quite the pool party
You see, Ken was laying there, with a big sh!t-eatin' grin on his face, in the Peanut's Barbie pool... with two women. Having a good old time. Lucky dog.

I stared at him, more like grimaced uncomfortably. With the Peanut safely tucked away in bed, I had an open forum.

"Why is Ken naked?" I asked my wife.

"That's what she does. She takes off their clothes and plays with them naked. We could be in trouble when she's older."

And then, my wife... the reserved one of the two of us. My straight man, if you will. The Abbott to my Costello... she says, "Maybe she's headed for a life on the pole."

Oh. My. Gawd.

I couldn't believe she had just said that. I definitely didn't want to think about it. Thankfully, she changed the subject saying, "I most certainly remember Ken having underwear. And he certainly wasn't as pretty."

I looked at Ken again. Is he pretty? Now a new set of emotions is bubbling up inside of me.  She was right. He is pretty. I'm not afraid to admit it.

Bad enough he's got the perfectly chiseled body. Now he's got to be pretty too? Just look that fabulous head of hair. So jealous. And if I'm not mistaken, he's wearing lipstick. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Now it was time to investigate the first part of my wife's statement. I forced myself to look where his underwear should be. I said the only thing that came to mind.

What the hell is this?
"So you're saying your Ken doll growing up didn't have a man-gina?"

"No," my wife said holding back laughter. "He definitely didn't have a man-gina." (I love her for repeating "man-gina.")

What is UP with Ken's man-gina? They couldn't mold him some plastastic boxers or something? All the clothes they have for this guy... and he suddenly goes commando with his man-gina?

Barbie is one thing, with her stereotypes, curves, and cliches. And always with her constant nudity too. Now I've got to deal with Ken and the whole other boxload of innuendos and awkwardness he brings. A Pandora's boxload, if you will.

I'm not sure which situation is more disturbing: the Peanut's insistence that these dolls always be naked. Or the fact that I can't stop looking.


  1. Hahah i would be more worried with the fact you can't stop looking at Ken and his man-gina, at least when the Peanut gets older she will soon realise the error of her ways, but a man of your stature.. well let's just say your screwed :P

    I'm just grateful that my daughter is 14 so she no longer has these types of things, and the boys are more into cars than action figures so i think i'm pretty safe :)

    Although recalling back to when i was young, i was never impressed with Ken, i used to get my Action men and beat the crap out of him and then grab my sisters barbee dolls and run away with them for a night on the town. I was only 6 at the time so give me a break ;)

  2. Awkwardness aside; this is pretty funny. Adding to girls' body dysmorphia supposedly caused by Barbie, Ken will now produce it in brothers and/or boys who play with Barbie & gang. Nowadays Ken dolls are so buff (the one in your photo is one of the less-athletic builds) that they cannot even wear the older Ken clothes because their arms and legs are too pumped up. Oh, and they have six-packs now, too. Just more bad body images coming for tomorrow's teenagers...

  3. This post just made me laugh, and thanks to you i now have a completly new word in my vocabulary. "Man-Gina". I like it, and it is so spot on.
    Although you do worry me, can't stop looking at it. Just awsome!! lol

  4. Thanks everyone. I'm glad you all liked it! And there is no need to worry about me. I came home last night and Ken was fully clothed.

  5. Wow...too funny! I wish I had some advice for you, but I got nothin'.

    I definitely don't remember my Ken doll looking like that, though!

  6. OMG. This is too funny.

    I couldn't tell you what a Ken looked like when I was younger because I didn't own one. Honestly, I never owned a Barbie doll until my aunt decided that it was un-American or something and gave me one for my college graduation (the b!tch - I never liked that woman anyway). I was just never into that whole girly thing - usually I would steal my older sister's Barbies and use my Tonka truck as the getaway vehicle and take them to the neighbor's house and bury them in the dirt pile. That was much more fun than that whole dress-up thing. just gave me an idea. Uh oh.


  7. I never had my own Ken doll, but my "plastic doll playing" friends did. We definitely made them have sex - a lot. Of course we didn't notice that Ken's package had been smoothed down with an implanted cup anymore than we noticed that Barbie's nipples had disappeared.

    Thought you might enjoy this:

  8. the dolls are always naked because the g darn clothes are hard to keep track of and hard to put back on. especially kens. track down a pair of his pants and try to put them on him, you will see what i mean. its been the same since i was little (and im 36)i doubt your little one is thinking anything of it,i didnt end up on the pole, lol.

  9. Very funny. I have commented on my FB page that the Barbie Townhouse looks like the Playboy Mansion. Man-gina is acutally a great technical phrase if she asks you where his penis is. Somehow, my daughter has picked up the word, "junk".

  10. OMG your wife was right, they really did have shorts.... Adding link!

  11. haha I love your wife! That would've been my come back too. Yikes WHEN did they start making Ken's with a mangina? That really really is's like a car crash you know you shouldn't look but....

  12. I just died laughing. Now I'm back and I know a little secret something about Ken.. I SOOO wish I could post a pic here to show you how Ken gets down around here!

  13. You're RIGHT about the "car crash" you can't keep your eyes off of, @twisted.

    Hey @laughingmom: does that make Ken... Hugh Hefner?

    @Leah: You're right about the clothes... bc I tried!!

    and @mutter: that link is DISTURBING!!

  14. Boy is she going to be surprised in high schoo...I mean college!

  15. Of course he has a man-gina...I mean, isn't he the most metro guy you know of...seems fitting that he has a man-gina also.


  16. @Cat: I am going to be a nightmare when she gets to that age.

    @WM: I'm a bit metro... but I definitely don't have a MANgina! I thought Ken used to wear boxers?

  17. Fist, let me wipe the coffee off of my computer screen. Okay, all better now. I thought Barbie was wearing panties now..hmm. Secondly, the Ken I had a a kid had his tighty whiteies molded into him.
    Try to look away from the strangeness that is Barbie and all her bizarre friends. Heck, there used to be a little sister to Barbie named Skipper (she was flat chested) and now, she's almost as big as Barbie. UGH!!

  18. Hahahaha I love how you wrapped this post up! Excellent LMBO!

    For Love of Cupcakes

  19. You're right. Ken has gotten prettier and he does have a man-gina. He did used to have plastic whitey tighties on, also. Manfriend's daughter's princess dolls are also always naked. She gets one for a gift and almost immediately takes the clothes off. I'm glad to hear she isn't the only one.

  20. Ken is looking waaay too pretty! Man up, Mattel!

    I'm so thankful my daughters were never into Ken or Barbie. My boys went thru a GI Joe action figure phase, but you can't "naked him up" because underneath his cloth fatigues are painted on fatigues.

    I suspect we will nonetheless be discussing plastic physiology soon as my 3 & 4 year old nieces have started asking for Barbie & her crew!


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