Wednesday, September 7, 2011

The Worst Pain in the World

"Children are a great comfort in your old age - and they help you reach it faster, too." ~Lionel Kauffman


Image courtesy of noiseushop.com
Nothing hurts a guy worse than a kick in the nuts. Physically speaking, of course. 

I'm sure the ladies out there will say the same thing about a smack in the lady parts. But I'm a guy and I'm telling you, a kick in the nuts is worse. THE. WORST.

It makes you hurt. It makes you sad. And it makes you angry. Very, very angry. Because nowhere are you more vulnerable. And when you get kicked in the nuts it's just like, well... getting kicked in the nuts.

Let me set the scene for you...


One evening, the Peanut and I were roughhousing on our bed. She was jumping as I was laying there, as we got ready for bed, right before we settled down to read a book.

But one rogue leap changed the mood.

She landed, full-footed, on my babymaker. Ironic, I know. And since we're on the subject, you should know that I was in my pajamas (a pair of Syracuse basketball shorts) and I don't wear boxers to bed. The point of that bit of over-sharing about going commando is to illustrate there was very little protection for my little bicep.

I immediately hid my face in my pillow. It hurt so much I wanted to scream. But didn't. Couldn't. Not in front of her. It's not a macho thing. It's a being a good parent and not scaring the bejesus out of the Peanut thing.

The initial surge of pain wore off. Then came the dull ache. Every guy knows the dull ache. It feels like your groin is 700 lbs. Then you get nauseous.

Covering my face with my hand, I turned over and told my wife to get the Peanut out of the room. Immediately if not sooner.

Here comes the anger. You can't help the anger. Even when you're with your buddies and they're all laughing at you and you're kind of laughing too, you're still just pissed off. And you can't wait until you're physically upright so you can punch the first guy you see in the face.

Even though it was an accident, even though she was sorry and actually felt really badly, I wanted to throw my daughter across the room. The important thing is I never would do that. "Just please get her away from me," I asked, and buried my head back into my pillow.

My wife kindly obliged.

The pain subsided. The Peanut apologized. Genuinely. I accepted. Genuinely.

And I'm sure I will live to reproduce again. If we are so inclined. (But still, not anytime soon.)

13 comments:

  1. You're very controlled. I've been kicked and walloped and punched (all accidents, they tell me) many times - never in my "private place for private time" - and I've shrieked like a Banshee and dropped to my knees at times. I guess that's where my kids get their melodramatic behavior sometimes.

    I voted yesterday! Is it one vote, period? Or one vote a day? Good luck.

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  2. My boys have yet to experience the pain... They still thinks it's funny when I get a shot to my cock and balls. Sometimes I think I should just kick them there once just so they understand they pain I am going through.

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  3. I feel like I get it now! My husband has been trying to explain the pain to me for years! I voted too! Good luck!

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  4. I'm glad I've successfully conveyed the agony for some of you. And yes, you can vote through today (Thursday) on every device you have!

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  5. Can't stop laughing, although i understand the pain all to well.

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  6. Still laughing because well nut shots are funny. Still... I crossed my legs immediately after reading this, LOL. The self control you exhibited is amazing. You're a Dad of the Year nominee. A couple of votes have been sent your way.

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  7. Yes I was surprised that I remained so calm. It was very challenging. I am glad, and at the same time sorry, so many guys know what it feels like.

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  8. I have yet to have this happen as a result of an action by my kids, but know the day is coming. I've had some small mishaps with them, but nothing quite severe as you've described.

    What sucks though, is while you've lived through it once, it is bound to happen again. ;)

    Happy #CommentDay!

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  9. Not being a guy, I can't imagine how bad it felt...a few times Lulu or Bubba have hit The Man - on accident - and he just kind of sits there...almost in a trance. Then the jaw clinches and I know it is time to run! At least she apologized.

    WM

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  10. Oh my gosh - laughing so hard! That REALLY helped me understand why my husband gets so angry when one of the kids accidentally sacks him!
    And no - I think most of us women agree, just like you will never understand childbirth, we will never understand being kicked in the nuts.
    Sorry man - that really sucks!

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  11. janice, I am glad I can provide the service of informing women on this very critical issue. And on behalf of all men, let me just say no we do not know the pain of child birth and never want to. :-)

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  12. Ouch, hang in there mate, I know how that feels, sorry I can't stop laughing though, but you got my vote :)

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