The Worst Pain in the World

"Children are a great comfort in your old age - and they help you reach it faster, too." ~Lionel Kauffman

Image courtesy of noiseushop.com

Nothing hurts a guy worse than a kick in the nuts. Physically speaking, of course. 

I'm sure the ladies out there will say the same thing about a smack in the lady parts. But I'm a guy and I'm telling you, a kick in the nuts is worse. THE. WORST.

It makes you hurt. It makes you sad. And it makes you angry. Very, very angry. Because nowhere are you more vulnerable. And when you get kicked in the nuts it's just like, well... getting kicked in the nuts.

Let me set the scene for you...


One evening, the Peanut and I were roughhousing on our bed. She was jumping as I was laying there, as we got ready for bed, right before we settled down to read a book.

But one rogue leap changed the mood.

She landed, full-footed, on my babymaker. Ironic, I know. And since we're on the subject, you should know that I was in my pajamas (a pair of Syracuse basketball shorts) and I don't wear boxers to bed. The point of that bit of over-sharing about going commando is to illustrate there was very little protection for my little bicep.

I immediately hid my face in my pillow. It hurt so much I wanted to scream. But didn't. Couldn't. Not in front of her. It's not a macho thing. It's a being a good parent and not scaring the bejesus out of the Peanut thing.

The initial surge of pain wore off. Then came the dull ache. Every guy knows the dull ache. It feels like your groin is 700 lbs. Then you get nauseous.

Covering my face with my hand, I turned over and told my wife to get the Peanut out of the room. Immediately if not sooner.

Here comes the anger. You can't help the anger. Even when you're with your buddies and they're all laughing at you and you're kind of laughing too, you're still just pissed off. And you can't wait until you're physically upright so you can punch the first guy you see in the face.

Even though it was an accident, even though she was sorry and actually felt really badly, I wanted to throw my daughter across the room. The important thing is I never would do that. "Just please get her away from me," I asked, and buried my head back into my pillow.

My wife kindly obliged.

The pain subsided. The Peanut apologized. Genuinely. I accepted. Genuinely.

And I'm sure I will live to reproduce again. If we are so inclined. (But still, not anytime soon.)